


The Side Effect Of You

by brokenhighways



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Crimes & Criminals, Eventual Romance, M/M, Missing Persons, Mystery, Organized Crime, Psychology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 13:32:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5969026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen's best friend Jared disappeared 10 years ago. Suddenly, Jensen is seeing images of Jared on his television and he has no idea what to do. The only thing he knows is that he has to find him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Side Effect Of You

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SPN Reverse Bang. I was originally drawn to the prompt because of the great art and the 'missing for ten years' aspect. I thought it'd be pretty neat to come up with a cool story for that. So I hope that you all enjoy the story. Please take a look at m14mouse's art post - [here!](http://m14mouse.livejournal.com/91714.html)! It was a pleasure to work with her. I would also like to thank [trendykitty](http://archiveofourown.org/users/trendykitty) and [theatregirl7299](http://archiveofourown.org/users/theatregirl7299) for their amazing beta work - the story is in much better condition that it was before they went through it. Of course, I tinkered with it a little once they were done so any remaining mistakes are my own.

 

 

# One

 

It’s the silly little things that always have Jensen thinking about a boy he once knew. Or a man really. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that one day Jared Padalecki was in his life and the next, he was gone. Without a trace. Some would say that Jared was his best friend. Maybe he was. Is. Jensen doesn’t know.

It’s taken a long time to get through the weight of the last ten years. From not knowing what happened or how to deal with it.

Today the memories get their kick-start from the vending machine in the lobby of the school he’s visiting. It’s a passing visit. He’s filling in for the counselor as part of an outreach program he runs through his practice. He’s slotting in his change for a Snickers bar when he spies the Skittles in B5. A small smile flits across his face as he recalls Jared’s penchant for the rainbow colored candy.

That always takes him back to the day they met. Jensen remembers it vividly. It was raining, so the youth centre holding the weekly mentor-buddy drop in sessions was a lot more packed than usual. Jensen only spotted Jared because he looked so out of place. A little older than the other kids and much taller too. Plus, he was clinging onto a large bag of Skittles like it was his dinner for the night. He caught Jensen watching him and ambled over.

_“So, how does this work?” he said in a thick Texan drawl. “I confess my sins, you tell me some crap and then try and get me to come back next week?”_

_Jensen regarded Jared with bemusement. “Well for one, this isn’t church and no one’s here for confession. And I’m not here to tell you anything. How old are you anyway? 19, 20? You might be better off at the community centre.” That was always the part of the job Jensen hated. Legally, they were only allowed to work with children under 18. Sparse resources and funding meant that they couldn’t really cater to everyone. Maybe he was just a naïve twenty-two year old back then, but he didn’t think it was fair._

_“I’m 17,” Jared told him. “Name’s Jared. I turn 18 in July. And I need someone to talk to before I go over to Jimmy White’s house and punch him in his stupid face.”_

Jimmy White did indeed receive a punch, but Jared came back to the center and expressed a desire to change. Jensen did his best to help.

Hell, two years after they met, when Jensen had to leave the center, Jared was actually in a mentor role of his own. They hung out regularly, called each other when they didn’t until one day Jared was just—

“Jensen?” Jensen blinks out of his reverie at the sound of his friend, Chris’ voice. It takes him a second to remember that he invited him over to watch the game. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” he assures Chris, not wanting to draw it out. Chris knows that there was a case a few weeks back that reminded him of Jared again. A lot of them do. Lonely kid, with a mother who’s checked out and a knack for getting into trouble. Each time he comes across these kids, he tries to do a bit more, tries to make sure that he doesn’t make the same mistake he did with Jared.

_He got a call the night before. It was three in the morning and, selfishly, he’d gotten laid that night. He’d been in the middle of making it work with his on/off boyfriend, Jack, and he had let the call go to voicemail. Six hours later when he finally listened to it, his blood ran cold and he knew in his gut that he’d made a mistake._

“You’re not fine.” Chris is giving him a concerned look when Jensen tunes back in. He shakes his head. Damn. He’s got to stop doing this, got to stop living in the past and blaming himself for what happened. For not being there for Jared. “This is about Jared, isn’t it? It’s been ten years, Jensen. I thought that things had gotten better.”

Jensen sighs. “I thought so too but…it never goes away, Chris. There’s nothing. Even after ten years, there’s nothing. Just a missing person report filed—“

“By _you_ , Jensen,” Chris interrupts, his voice laced with annoyance. “I know. We all fucking know and like we’ve all told you – you can’t bring him back. He’s _gone_. And you know what, I know you like to romanticize everything but he was basically a street kid, Jensen. Kids like that…it doesn’t usually end well for them.”

Jensen doesn’t respond. Chris knows nothing. He didn’t back then, and he doesn’t now so there’s no point in dragging this argument up again.

“Danneel saw him that night, you know,” Chris adds after a brief pause. “We decided not to tell you but she told the cops. He was arguing with some _thug_ and she saw them exchanging something.”

After ten years, this news is like slap in the face. Danneel wasn’t even around back then - what the hell would she know?

“Get out.”

“Jensen—“

“I don’t want to hear it, just get out and stay the hell away from me. You can pass that message on to the rest of the group too. I’m guessing they all know about what Danneel ‘saw’? That’s why I get a bunch of sighs and eye rolls when I bring Jared up.”

Chris stands up and runs a hand through his hair. “If you want to blame someone, blame me. I told them not to tell you. Hell, she didn’t even realize until she saw a picture at your apartment. You were doing better and I thought it was for the best.”

“He was supposed to be your friend too, Chris,” Jensen says wearily. “Though, I guess he was right about you never liking him.”

“He was a kid – one who almost jeopardized your career,” Chris retorts. “There wasn’t much to like.”

~

Hours after Chris leaves, Jensen finally sits down with the paperwork he’s been putting off all weekend. The hushed sound of the television plays in the background as his anger finally subsides. At this point, alienating all of his friends probably wouldn’t be a good idea and the trained psychologist part of him knows that they are just trying to help. He allows himself one last thought of Jared and resolves to put this behind him once and for all.

It’s been ten years.

Ten years of hope, of never forgetting and maybe that’s enough. It’s not giving up, it’s just…moving on.

_BREAKING NEWS!_

_The funeral of jazz singer Marshall Johnson was held today in New Orleans_. _Cameras from GNN were there to witness the proceedings._

Jensen looks up briefly, mostly thinking that it’s morbid that the man can’t even rest in peace, he has to have a bunch of cameras at his damn funeral. The screen pans to the church, specifically the front row, where Johnson’s family are. There's a man sitting amongst that makes Jensen pause. The longish brown hair is familiar but the line of the man's shoulders doesn't quite align with the vision he has in his head. The face is concealed with a huge pair of dark sunglasses and he sighs.

Blows out a breath and leans back.

Clearly the conversation with Chris has him imagining things. He watches on for a few more minutes before sitting up and reaching for the remote. That's when it happens, halfway through Madonna's rambling speech about how wonderful Marshall was. The camera pans to the front of the church just as the man takes off his glasses briefly. They're back on within seconds but thanks to the joys of modern technology, Jensen's able to rewind back quickly and pause the screen on his face. His blood runs cold as the still image stares back at him. The face is a little older, lines more pronounced, but there's no doubt in his mind that this man is Jared.

His Jared.

~

Jensen gives in and agrees to meet Chris and the rest of his friends for a drink a few days after his startling revelation. It makes a welcome change from the frantic web searches he's been doing since that moment when he realized that Jared is actually out there. He's alive! However, Google didn't bear any fruit and all he had to go on were recent posts wondering who the tall, dark gentleman in the front row had been. 'Secret lover' seems to be the most popular answer in the polls, followed by secret son.

Jensen doesn't know where to begin.

"Jensen?" Jensen looks up blankly as he realizes that Danneel has been trying to get his attention. He smiles at her weakly. Truth be told, he doesn't think much of her and after what Chris said, he definitely doesn't trust her.

"I was just saying that it would be so weird to go to a funeral alongside a bunch of celebs, right?" her voice is upbeat and cheerful like usual and as always, it makes him feel a little uneasy. "Though that hot guy in the front row would certainly make it less of a problem." There's something in her eyes that makes him think that he's being tested, so he lies.

"Oh, I didn't watch it," he tells her. "I crashed in front of some rerun." Her smile dims as she nods in response.

Chris calls him out on the exchange when they're walking home, but Jensen doesn't know what to say to him. He doesn’t feel he can trust him either.

"Did you mention what I told you to her?" Chris asks. "Because I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry."

Jensen shrugs. "We don't talk, Chris. She's more your friend than she is mine."

Chris doesn't seem convinced but he drops the matter.

~

For the next week, Jensen spends his time reading up on Marshall, scouring each interview for a mention of someone who could be Jared. There isn’t much, just a few coy comments about his sexuality and something about a bankruptcy, and Jensen’s left at square one. It distracts him so much that he finds himself getting lost in thought at work, which isn’t good when you’re a psychologist. Thankfully, his patients either don’t notice or comment and he’s left with a myriad of different scenarios. Chris always tells Jensen that Jared just got bored of his life and moved onto new pastures but he’s never believed that, always had a bad feeling about Jared’s abrupt disappearance. That Jared left of his own accord has never really been an option. And yeah, maybe Jensen’s never seriously considered it. After all it’s been a decade. Finding out that Jared just walked away without so much as a word would leave him in a messy situation and that thought makes him hold back a little. He sits in front of his television screen each evening rewinding back the funeral proceedings. He considers leaving it alone. Maybe this is enough – seeing him on a screen should be enough.

But it isn’t.

Jensen _needs_ to be sure.

Back when Jared first went missing, he hired a private investigator called Caroline Chikezie. She’s effective, smart, and discreet and he trusted her to do what the police couldn’t. However, she never found anything. Not even so much as a bus ticket. Jared was simply gone, and her view was that it was by choice. They clashed over that until she finally stopped taking his money and stopped pretending that he knew any better. Everyone else seemed to think the same thing and maybe this footage of Jared confirmed that.

Still.

Jensen has a burning desire to be sure. And that means that he has to find him.

~

Before he gets in contact with Caroline, he reaches out to Jared’s friends, wanting to see if they think it’s him too. He only gets through to Chad, who reluctantly agrees to round up Aldis and Katie. The four of them were inseparable all of those years ago, much to Jensen’s chagrin. Impartiality might be required for his job, but in the real world, Jensen didn’t think that hanging around with street kids was a good look for Jared.

It was their first real argument.

“ _I_ **am** _a street kid!” Jared spat out when Jensen tried to get him to go for drinks with his friends instead. “I’m not any better than them, Jensen. I might be a mentor and hold down a steady job but I’m always going to be that kid with the mother who didn’t care, the one that found solace on the streets. You will never understand that.”_

Jared was right then and still is now; he doesn’t understand. He can see why Jared didn’t want to spend time with _his_ friends though. Jensen feels like he’s been in stasis for the last ten years, trapped in that mediocre sense of routine that seemed normal when he was in his twenties but pales now that he’s older. Chris might be his oldest friend, but that’s all they have in common. He doesn’t understand why Jared’s so important to him. Never has.

Sometimes, Jensen’s not willing to admit the truth to himself because of the guilt.

Chad has no such qualms.

“Jensen, you and I both have a mutual dislike of one another but I gotta tell you, man. If Jared was here, he’d slap the shit outta you and _me_ ,” he says when he arrives at Jensen’s apartment. He’s carrying a tattered rucksack and he smells like cigarette smoke but he looks decent. Before he can go any further, Jensen catches himself and wonders why he’s always so quick to generalise. He always pities Chad, wonders how someone can live life so freely, without wanting to lay down some roots.

_We don’t walk around spray painting community centres and robbing old ladies. We have jobs, apartments. The difference is that they’re just material things – we know that sometimes in life, you have to go without_.

Jared’s voice rings loud and clear in his head but Jensen knows the message will never sink in. Life has conditioned him to believe that the way he lives his life is the norm – _standard_.

“ _Dude_ , are you even listening to me?” Chad cuts into his reverie and Jensen blinks up at him.

“Sorry, what?”

Chad exhales deeply. “It’s been ten years, man. And he’s not coming back. No matter what program you saw, he’s not here for a reason. I get that you don’t agree with this… _lifestyle_ , but Katie and Aldis get it. We go where life takes us. Just accept that Jared’s not here because he _chooses_ not to be.”

Jensen’s heard this a million times, thought the same way more than that, but instincts are important. Always trust your gut - advice that he’s given countless times and his tells him that something isn’t right here.

“I know how you really felt about him.”

There it is.

The reason why he and Chad have spoken five times over the past ten years. He was too close to the situation, to _them_ and he’s not ready for anyone to go down this route.

The knock on the door startles and relieves him at the same time.

After he lets Aldis and Katie in, he heads to kitchen to grab them some sodas and rustle up a few sandwiches. Perhaps he’s playing into another stereotype but hey, everyone’s gotta eat. It also gives him time to eavesdrop on their conversation because unbeknownst to them, his apartment has shitty soundproofing.

“Man, it would be good to see him again, you know,” Aldis is saying. “I mean, we’ve always agreed on that.” There’s silence but he can make out Katie’s disgruntled sigh.

“Doesn’t mean that it’ll ever happen,” Chad remarks. “People vanish every day. Jared’s not the only one.”

“Yeah, but he’s the one that actually had something to stay for,” Katie chimes in. “He was different and then poof! We never hear from him again. You don’t think that’s odd? I mean, at first I thought maybe Jensen got a little heavy-handed and Jared just needed to _go_ but no word in ten years? That’s not Jared.” Jensen swallows down the lump in his throat as he sets down the bread knife. He grabs the sodas, grimacing at the way the beads of condensation trickle down onto his wrist.

“No,” he says as he steps out of the kitchen. “It isn’t.”

He sets up his DVR as they eat, and shows them the footage. If this was a court case, he imagines that the few seconds would be dismissed as circumstantial or superfluous – whatever, but in the age of high definition, there’s little margin for error. He’s played it enough times to be sure.

“And the internet is speculating that he’s _married_ to the guy that died?” Katie asks incredulously. “This doesn’t make any sense.”

Jensen turns to her. “So, it’s him. You think that’s Jared?”

Chad is the one to answer, his face an almost shocking shade of white. “Yeah, it’s him. And I say fuck him.” He’s up and out of the door before anyone can utter a word and Katie follows, barely glancing back. Aldis remains seated on the couch his face impassive and still. He flinches momentarily as the front door slams but makes no attempt to leave. Jensen waits patiently, not wanting to invite any additional drama to the situation. It’s messed up enough as it is.

“You’re a psychiatrist, right?” he asks eventually. Jensen frowns, not seeing how that is relevant to anything. Unless Aldis is one of those people who thinks that people who work in mental health are automatically mind readers.

“I’m a psychologist,” he replies. “Why?”

Aldis doesn’t answer the question but says, “So, if I were to become your patient, we would have patient-doctor confidentiality, right?”

Jensen scoffs lightly, confused by the way the conversation is going, “Yes, but what does that have to do—“

“Schedule me in for an hour on Monday,” Aldis interjects while standing up. “We need to talk.”

~

Jensen spends the weekend cleaning his apartment obsessively and ignoring the hamper of Jared’s stuff that he’s kept for all of these years.

_I know how you really felt about him._

Chad’s words ring out in his brain as he goes about his chores, despite his best attempts to silence them. There might have been a time when he and Jared were something more than friends, but it was so tenuous that Jensen’s almost convinced that he was imagining things. For one, he was caught up in the constant whirlwind of his on/off relationship with his ex, Jack, and Jared was the quintessential lone spirit, who had no plans on settling down with anybody – ever.

It would have been extremely stupid for Jensen to catch non-platonic feelings.

So he told himself that it was just a crush, a by-product of the close bond they had formed. It made sense that he was _attached_ because he was emotionally invested.

_I know how you really felt about him_.

He ends up in a huddle by his bed, with a bottle of wine and the warm sensation of inebriation for company.

~

“So, you and Jared were a thing, right?” Aldis asks when he’s seated across from Jensen in his office. Not only did Jensen go against his better judgment and schedule the damn appointment, he’s honestly surprised that Aldis showed up. One of Jared’s friends _willingly_ talking to him is unprecedented, even with the whole doctor-patient charade.

“We were friends,” Jensen counteracts, before he realizes what tense he used and corrects himself. “Are friends.”

Aldis nods slowly. “Must have been a pretty special friendship for you to be so concerned after ten years. That’s a long time.” Jensen doesn’t reply, just shrugs. Chris is one thing, but he doesn’t owe Aldis an explanation.

“Okay, so, what I’m about to tell you can’t leave this room,” Aldis says in a hushed tone. “Before Jared disappeared, he was helping me – Chad, Katie – we fucked up. Agreed to do some couriering for this dude, but it turned out that it was a set up. Jared, he…I think he struggled you know? With trying to be the person _you_ wanted him to be and wanting to kick it with us like old times.” Jensen finds himself stunned once again, at yet another revelation. First Chris and now _this_? It’s almost too much for him to handle.

“Anyway, even though we told him to stay out of it, he said he would sort it. All he had to do was make sure that this one guy who saw us didn’t say anything,” Aldis continues. He pauses and swallows audibly. “That was the last time we saw him and I didn’t hear anything until five years ago. He…sent me a letter. And I knew that he was…you know, what? Fuck it. You can read it for yourself.” Jensen can only watch on in silence as Aldis reaches into his jacket pocket and extracts a crumpled piece of paper. He accepts it slowly, holding it gingerly with his thumb and index finger.

 

_A,_

_It’s me. Just wanted to let you know that I’m doing well. Everything is good here. Spotty says hi. Things weren’t okay with him before but they are now. He’s settled._

_I hope that everyone else is doing okay. Tell Saint to stop looking for answers. He won’t get them._

_Don’t feel bad._

_Take care._

It’s not signed and if it wasn’t for the familiar scrawl, Jensen would kick Aldis out of his office for wasting his time.

“Who’s Spotty? And who’s Saint?”

Aldis shakes his head despondently. “You’re Saint. Spotty was our code word, to let the other know that we’re alright. And before you ask, I am giving you this because if you saw Jared on TV, someone else might have done and…it might be bad.”

Jensen stares at Aldis. “Dude, stop talking in riddles and spit it out!”

“Protective custody,” Aldis says around another audible swallow. “He’s in WitSec, and if someone else saw him…”

“You know this for sure?” Jensen’s heart is thudding in his chest violently, the sound so thunderous that he can barely hear himself speak. It all seems so surreal, yet it makes sense.

Aldis nods. “Friend of my cousin’s a cop. Says he was relocated and given a new identity. It’s all hush-hush and technically no one is supposed to know.” Jensen exhales deeply – that explains why nothing ever came up on the Missing Persons’ reports.

“Why are you telling me this, Aldis? What exactly do you want me to do?”

“Back then you seemed hell-bent on saving Jared from whatever the fuck, and you’ve spent the last ten years actually giving a shit and not burying your head in the sand – I need your help. We have to find him and warn him somehow.”

“What about the—“

“No police,” Aldis interrupts. “The guy he turned on was a bent cop, Jensen.”

Jensen’s shoulders deflate and he all but falls back in his chair.

_Shit._

~

Caroline is downright reluctant to communicate further with Jensen when he mentions the words _police_ and _witness security_ and he can’t really blame her. It’s certainly murkier than what he was expecting. They’re at lunch, eating (or rather, picking at) greasy fries and soggy burgers. Sadly, the food fits the mood.

“And what were you expecting?” she says with a dark look. “You thought he was just sitting in a house somewhere, waiting for you to swoop in and save him?” Jensen scoffs. He’s not sure why everyone thinks that he’s completely naïve here. So he’s tried to remain hopeful over the years. What else was he supposed to do?

“I am not looking to save him, Caroline, I just wanted to know that he’s okay, and you know, maybe that’s been to my detriment, but now that we know he’s out there – someone else might too. Someone more dangerous.”

Aldis’ story might be a little far-fetched in places, but it’s more than Jensen has had in years. Plus, what reason does he have to lie?

Caroline tuts impatiently. “You don’t think it’s shady that he just sat on this information for five years? I…I am not going to help you, Jensen, but good luck.” She stands up, drops some crumpled bills onto the table and leaves.

~

The more Jensen thinks about what Caroline said, the more he realizes that she’s right. The fact that Aldis confided in him in a session and not on more neutral ground implies that something is amiss. To be honest, he’s not sure that he even _wants_ clarification. While finding Jared is his main priority, he’d rather not implicate himself in something sketchy.

He calls upon his acquaintance Chad Lindberg, a highly skilled hacker whose penchant for doing illegal things keeps getting him into trouble. Requesting Lindberg’s help might not be ethical but hey, Jensen’s acting on a decade of frustration. He just doesn’t care anymore.

Lindberg appears to believe otherwise when he hears what Jensen wants him to do.

“You want me to hack secret government records?” Lindberg looks amused, which only serves to frustrate Jensen even more.

_Move on._

That’s all he ever hears and this could finally be his chance and he’s the only one taking it seriously. His phone buzzes, the display telling him that he’s got another message from Aldis. He’s received several but can’t quite bring himself to read them.

“I mean, I can do it – that’s not the problem, but, man, it’s wrong,” Lindberg drawls. “Not the government part, but you wanting me to sift through WitSec files? I don’t know, man.”

“I think this person might be in trouble,” Jensen answers. “Right now it’s a matter of who finds him first and I have reason to believe that they’re hiding from someone linked to a corrupt police officer.”

Lindberg whistles and leans back in his chair, the plastic creaking slightly under his weight. “This just gets better, dude. I’ll take a name but I can’t promise anything.”

“Thank you,” Jensen keeps his response simple, not wanting to reveal anything else that will hamper Lindberg’s decision to help him.

~

Aldis shows up outside of his apartment just as he’s struggling with several grocery bags. He looks angry and Jensen can’t blame him. Twenty-three messages, all unread and unanswered. He’d be annoyed too.

“Well?” Aldis demands once Jensen places his bag in the kitchen and makes his way back to the living room.

“I’m not sure that I can trust you, Aldis,” he says honestly. “You were working with this man that Jared supposedly ran away from. What if you’re still working for him now?”

In truth, Jensen’s a little scared. While Jared and his friends have never raised a hand toward him, they’re from a different life. One that’s darker and colder. His limits are different from theirs, his rules are different. They have honor codes, Jensen has his perception of the law. It was something that he and Jared butted heads over constantly.

_“My friends don’t have to like you,” it was said with a sneer and Jensen wanted to roll his eyes. “Yours don’t like me.”_

It was true but with an ‘I want to help everyone be happy!’ mind-set it was hard to accept that people just didn’t like each other; hard to rationalise human variability when science told him that they were all so similar.

“Peterson’s dead. He was the one that we were running packages for and he was found two days after Jared went missing,” Aldis says. “You can look it up. I know that you have no reason to trust me but Jared’s in danger – you better believe that. If I could help him myself, I would.”

“Why can’t you?” Jensen asks. “After all I’m just some guy, with no ties to any of this. What can I possibly do that you can’t?”

Aldis shakes his head angrily. “You can leave the state. I can’t. It violates my probation. Chad and Katie are in the same boat – not that they’re even willing to listen. We got busted a few years ago. Anonymous tip to the police. The next night, the warehouse we were meant to be casing was blown up.”

Jensen remembers reading about that in the paper, mostly because he and Chris came to blows over it. For someone who wanted him to quote-unquote ‘get the fuck over it already’ he was good at sticking his foot in mouth. From the way Aldis is phrasing it, he thinks the anonymous tip wasn’t so secret.

“You think that Jared saved you somehow?” he asks. “How? He wasn’t here.”

Aldis shrugs. “I don’t know how, but I know it was him. And I don’t know about Chad or Katie but as far as I’m concerned, I owe Jared my life. If he’s in trouble, I’m going to do everything within my power to help him. I just can’t do that from a prison cell.”

Jensen glances at his watch. It’s after ten pm, on account of all of the work he had to catch up on. All of this focus on Jared is starting to take its toll and for a moment, he wonders if this is worth it. Maybe Jared’s _okay_ , maybe they’re just being too cautious, too paranoid.

“If the cop is dead, then who is behind the threat?” he queries. “Who else has an axe to grind?”

Aldis rolls his shoulders forward. “The guy working with Peterson. Word on the street is that his operation has all but ground to a halt. Jared…wasn’t always in WitSec. I mean, for the last five years he was, but the five before that? I don’t know anything about them.”

“I have someone on that,” Jensen says, because for whatever reason, he actually believes Aldis. “Look, I’ll help in any way I can, but this stays between us? Don’t tell anyone.”

Aldis nods and turns to leave with a half-hearted wave when he pauses momentarily.

“That red-head you hang out with? Watch out for her. I’ve seen her around.”

He’s gone before Jensen can ask him to clarify but his words aren’t a surprise. His reservations over Danneel aren’t new, and he suspects that he has a potential problem there.

He’s just not sure how to get rid of it.

~

Lindberg sends Jensen a message three days after their meeting that simply reads ‘ _I'm on it’_ and Jensen spends the rest of the day in a mild state of panic. He begs off work, claiming that he has a cold and pads around his apartment frantically. He packs and unpacks a bag three times. In one inspired moment, books a ticket to Texas. If Jared’s out of state, he’s going to need a cover story, right? An… _alibi_. No. _No_. He’s not a fucking criminal. He’s just a guy. Trying to help out a friend.

_I know how you really felt about him_.

Three glasses of wine and that’s all it takes. Unbidden memories filter in, repressed thoughts and emotions rear their ugly head and Jensen’s forced to face up to the lies that he tells himself. Fuck it, yes he might have been _in_ _love_ with Jared.

He _was_ in love, and while Jared never professed anything back, Jensen knows it wasn’t one-sided. Jared’s rejection, when it came, was reluctant - hesitant. Jensen always thought they would have time to come back from that. He thought that his reconciliation with Jack might make Jared _jealous_ and that pettiness stopped him from being there when it mattered.

Suddenly, the bottle’s empty and his tears run free, thoughts stream out and he lets them until he can’t think anymore and all he can register is numbness.

He comes to several hours later to find his apartment cleaned up and a sombre Chris sitting on his couch.

“We need to talk.”

Jensen isn’t sure why Chris couldn’t just call beforehand, or what is so urgent that it can’t wait. But he takes a quick shower, tries and fails to get rid of the redness in his eyes before he gears himself up for the inevitable lecture.

_Jensen, you can’t keep doing this_.

Chris watches him silently as he takes a seat in the arm chair adjacent to where he’s seated. There’s something in the way his shoulders are set that makes Jensen realize that something is off. Something isn’t right – besides everything that’s spilled over into his life since he spotted Jared on his television screen. He wonders what it is and just how much he can take before it all becomes too much.

“Jensen, you can’t keep doing this,” Chris starts. Jensen snorts. So predictable. He rolls his eyes, prepared to respond when Chris halts him. “I need you to tell me about your conversations with Aldis Hodge.”

_What?_

Chris is regarding him with a very serious expression, his tone clipped and professional. It’s almost like he’s a…no. _No._

“I’m an undercover police officer working with the NYPD Narcotics Division,” Chris confirms. The fucking bastard even has the nerve to look _apologetic_ about it. Jensen almost doesn’t believe it. He met Chris on the mentor program. He was fresh out of college and Chris had just been discharged after serving four years in the army. “Look, I was approached while working on the program and I said yes and... it’s just been _life_. It’s fucked up and I wanted to tell you but…I couldn’t. We do good work, Jensen, so I can’t be sorry but…I wish things could be different.

Jensen is stunned to say the least, but as it sinks in he finds that the signs were there. From Chris having this top security clearance government job to his irrational dislike of Jared.

“Jared knew didn’t he?” he spits out. “He knew all about you!”

“Jensen…”

“Answer me,” he demands. “Answer me or I’ll go down into the alleyway, or wherever the fuck the drugs are handled and I will tell everyone.”

Chris sighs deeply, wiping his hand over his face roughly. “He figured it out, yeah. It was a couple of days before he disappeared.”

“Let me guess, you’re corrupt too – like your buddy Peterson.” Jensen’s just saying whatever comes to mind but Aldis’ words from the previous night come back to him.

_The guy working with Peterson. Word on the street is that his operation has all but ground to a halt._

Nausea churns his stomach and he swallows down the ensuing bile. His phone rings, thankfully giving him a reprieve. He reaches down to grab it and grimaces when he sees that it is Lindberg calling. Talk about bad timing. Chris is eyeing him tightly so Jensen answers it.

“Hey, how’s it going?” He can hear the awkward stilted timbre of his voice and hopes that he doesn’t arouse any suspicion.

Lindberg hums curiously. “You need me to call back later?”

“That would be good,” Jensen replies tersely, hanging up before Lindberg can even say anything. He puts the phone down and meets Chris’ gaze head-on.

“So you’re the reason Jared’s gone?” he says accusingly. “You’re behind his disappearance.” It’s time to figure out what game Chris is playing here.

Chris’ face clears up quickly and morphs into an innocent expression. “I’m the good guy here, Jensen. I’m trying to find him. Which is why I need to know what Aldis said to you.” Given that Chris has just dropped a bombshell on him, Jensen doesn’t know what to think. Or who to believe. What he does know is that everything about their friendship feels monumentally fake.

# Two

Jared’s life has been mundane for the last five years. A welcome reprieve from the hectic five that preceded it, but mundane nonetheless. Being hired as Marshall Johnson’s house assistant was merely an extension of that. A flimsy cover for his true identity. He didn’t mind. He got to stay behind the scenes and watch his old life from afar. He lived as Ryan Jones for two years, before the truth drunkenly slipped out and Marshall went from being his boss to being his only friend. It was a weird friendship, really, given their age difference but Marshall claimed that it was good be around people who were different. Especially when he needed to be creative for his work.

It was unconventional, but it worked.

And then Marshall died, his ex-wife was signing papers that meant his funeral would be available to most news broadcasters and he was unwittingly thrust into the throes of Buzzfeed and social media. Sam, Marshall’s son assured him that no one had revealed his true identity, but that didn’t matter. The people who were after him didn’t need his identity – they knew who he was, what he looked like. And now they knew where he was.

Witness security.

Two words that summed up the last half decade of his life and something that he’d avoided for as long as possible. Living in relative solitude without any police protection and silently watching from afar as the one person who meant anything to him actually continued to care was difficult. Even more so when he finally decided to give Chris up.

The decision is one that stings bitterly because to this day, the cops still maintain that they haven't found any evidence against Chris. Jared finds that hard to believe considering that they fired him not long after Jared accused him. Oh and shipping Jared off to California shortly after - that wasn't suspicious at all. Luckily for Jared, he was street smart. Growing up having to fend for himself had ensured that. Even now, there's a part of him that itches at the grandiose house Marshall owned and deep down inside, he always found it strange that he had ended up here - as close to the public eye as a non-celebrity could get. The funeral footage was the first time he wondered if this had all been a mistake. Perhaps he should have just fended for himself and did what he had always done.

Of course there was one reason he found himself in this predicament - his friendship with Jensen. Things had happened so quickly that he never got a chance to tell him about Chris. Sure, he had voiced his dislike of the man several times but Jensen was too naive and blinded by his need to see the good in everyone. There wasn't much chance that he’d have believed Jared so his only option was to run, and hope to hell than Chris cared more about his cover than he did about Jensen.

For years it certainly seemed that way until he realized Chris was still asking questions. Jensen seemed irritated but oblivious, and that had Jared in the DA's office faster than the Kardashians' ability to make a quick buck doing something pointless. That was how he fell down this rabbit hole and landed in the shiny, plastic land that was California. Fish out of water didn't even begin to cover it.

He simply didn't belong.

He still kept tabs on Jensen, who kept on keeping him 'alive' tirelessly. It seemed strange that a person would care about someone enough to spend ten years trying to find them, much less Jared, who knew he really wasn't worth the time.

~

The first sign of trouble is the ringing coming from under his bed at four in the morning. It rings three times before Jared sits up, scratching at his bare pectoral gently before he stands up and kneels beside the bed. He uses his thumbnail to yank up the loose floorboard and pulls out the offending phone. It's a generic basic handset, a burner phone really, one that hasn't rung for a very long time. He keeps it charged just in case and that it's ringing now worries him. With a heavy intake of air, he answers it, praying silently that it isn't something bad. He might be a cynic, but at the end of the day, he's still human.

"Jared, you there?" It's Aldis. Jared rolls his shoulders back to stave off the tension, but fails miserably. He sits down on the bed and tries to psyche himself up for the conversation. If Aldis is calling, it's not with good news.

"I'm here," he says. "How bad is it? How long do I have?" Aldis' breathing is heavy and loud and does nothing to calm Jared down.

"They're not going to come after you," Aldis says, without any attempt to beat around the bush. "Not after ten years. Chris is pissed with you for getting him fired, but he managed to get back on the force. A corrupt PD in the next town over took him on and he's back on the streets." The _he's looking for revenge_ remains unspoken but Jared is well aware of the threat.

"If they're not after me, why are you calling?" he asks. “What was the—just, why are you calling?”

Aldis clears his throat quietly. “You and I have been friends for a long time, Jared. There’s no way that you would just take off your glasses _knowing_ what was at stake. So, why did you do it?”

_Damn it._

“Maybe I just want my life back,” Jared confesses. “I’m not a coward. I don’t run away. I only…I did this to keep all of you safe. To stop Chris and his buddies from asking questions.” It’s true, mostly. Jared was able to unearth a lot of information during his five years undercover, including a pretty incriminating video of Chris – the one that got him fired. He’s guessing that Chris has realized that Jared only ever handed in the truncated version of the video if his phone records are anything to go by. And yeah, maybe Jared’s got an unhealthy attachment to his old life. Who wouldn’t?

“Yeah, well, your little TV stunt hasn’t put you in danger, it’s put _Jensen_ in danger,” Aldis snaps. “Chris has been sniffing around Jensen since you left. You had to know that shit would get real at some point.”

Jared swallows. “After ten years, Jensen hasn’t told him _shit._ Why would Chris think that he knows anything?”

There’s a bitter chuckle. “What’s the one thing that’ll have you back in town faster than lightning? You played right into his hands, man. You better have a good game plan because Chris isn’t playing around. He wants to be Top Dog again and he can’t do that with your allegations hanging around his neck.”

Jared scratches his head in frustration, barely resisting the urge to fling the phone against the room. They were supposed to come to _him_.

Now Jensen’s in danger and if anything happens, it’ll be his fault.

~

Deciding to go home is an easy decision. It’s bad enough that Chris’ devious ways ruined the fresh start that Jared was supposed to have all of those years ago. The sacrifice he’s made in order to keep his friends safe can’t count for nothing as well. He packs his meager belongings and pays an exorbitant amount for a same-day flight to New York.

When he reaches LAX, he places a call to his mom, scowling deeply as he explains to her that he’s heading into town. His truce with his mother is barely that. When he was laying low, he stayed with her occasionally, and made sure to check in every now and then when he realized that Chris was visiting her. Not that she cared past whether Jared could spare her a twenty for another bottle of cheap vodka.

Until one day when she met a guy.

Harry. His step-dad. Within a few years she was clean, attending regular counselling sessions and now Jared has a little sister that he can barely look at. The resentment is unhealthy. The voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Jensen always tells him that. However, it’s kind of hard to deal with the fact that _he_ wasn’t enough for her to change. That he’s stuck in this life because she didn’t make an effort to do better when he was a child.

So when she asks, “Are you okay?” he hangs up, not ready to exchange pointless niceties. They have a deal. She keeps him informed and gets to feel like he’s still in her life somehow. In return he plays along until he can’t stomach it. She’s tried to get him to agree to more, but sitting around and playing happy families would have been nice twenty years ago. Right now? It’s the last thing that he wants.

That doesn’t change even when they exchange an awkward hug at Jared’s motel a day later.

After the hug comes the real surprise.

“I, uh, bumped into him and he asked,” she says. She’s flustered, the way she was sometimes when she’d had one drink too many. “He said he already knew where you were so I…”

She doesn’t need to finish her sentence because Jensen steps in behind her.

For a second, Jared is floored. It’s been a long time, obviously and watching and hearing about someone from afar isn’t the same as being within a few feet of them. Still, he’s not expecting the rush of emotion that hits him. He and Jensen were always good _friends_. And yeah, Jensen was attractive and they might have danced around a fleeting romance. Like he told Jensen then, he didn’t do relationships. He still doesn’t. They’re too messy. Too painful and he’s not stupid enough to get himself caught up in a relationship that he can’t walk away from.

Seeing Jensen makes him question all of that, it’s like a flame erupts in his heart, burning so bright that he almost can’t stand it. He does his best to shove the feelings aside. He can’t afford any distractions. Not now.

“Jensen,” he says when it becomes clear that the other man isn’t going to say anything. He nods at his mom, who reciprocates before turning to leave quietly. She’ll try and call him later but won’t get through on account of him ditching his cell at LAX. “It’s good to see you…”

Jensen’s not in a welcoming mood. His eyes start to blaze furiously and he scoffs a few times before he can finally bring himself to speak.

"I don't know what mess you're in with Chris and his corrupt buddies but keep me out of it,” he tells Jared angrily. “That’s all I have to say to you.”

It looks like he wants to say a hell of a lot more but Jared lets him go, the same way he did all of those years ago.

He doesn't sleep that night for various reasons. This business with Chris, for one. The tension with his mom. Jensen. The motel mattress is lumpy and cold, and his window does nothing to keep the noise of the blaring sirens out. _Home, sweet, home_ , he thinks. He’s definitely slept in worse places.

He casts his mind back to everything, takes himself back to the day it all started.

At the time it made sense, before he knew how shady Chris was. Peterson (or so he thought) was gunning for him. There was a mark on his head after he took the heat for his friends. The video just kind of…ended up in his lap and at that point, he was willing to do whatever it took to keep Chris away from Jensen. That didn’t go according to plan.

So he took the deal and ran.

If only someone had told him that running would solve nothing. Trusting that things would magically turn out okay had solved nothing.

His absence has solved _nothing_.

It’s just left him here with a different mark on his head that has the same connotation and the bitter sting of a _failed plan_. It would have been easy to go out in a hail of bullets back in California. Die with whatever he knows in order to keep his friends safe. Jared should have known better. Nothing has ever been easy for him.

There’s a knock on the door. It startles him and he fumbles around for his switchblade. The streets haven’t changed much so it was relatively easy to obtain one. The faces are different but the people are the same. He grips the knife tightly, fully prepared to extend it if there’s trouble on the other side of the door. He looks through the peephole, frowning when he recognises his visitor.

It’s Jensen, clad in dark clothing and a black cap, though Jared would know those eyes anywhere. There’s a part of him that hates that Jensen even had the foresight to attempt to conceal himself. That Jensen’s been dragged into this mess at all, even though it isn’t entirely his fault. Chris just wormed his way in for whatever reason. To con Jensen into testifying during his cases, to help him maintain his ‘rough around the edges, good guy’ façade. He just doesn’t know.

The second knock startles him out of his thoughts and he opens the door quickly, beckoning Jensen in.

“Chris doesn’t know that you’re in town,” Jensen says in rushed tone. “I just left him at the bar. He thinks that I know something about where you are. And I guess I do now. Ain’t that something? My best friend is a corrupt police officer who drove my other best friend out of town and I didn’t have a fucking clue for _over a decade_? Amazing.”

Jared slides the blade into his pants pocket and takes a seat on the bed, grimacing as the springs creak under his weight. “I was trying to protect you. All of you. I’m expendable here. Or I was. Chad, Aldis, Katie, with the right guidance, they can get out of the life. They were supposed to. And you were supposed to…”

“Forget you ever existed?” Jensen interjects as he leans on the door, hands pressed behind his back. “How I didn’t see it, I’ll never know. There I was thinking that you were stuck, somewhere, trapped, but no, you were just living it up in California with a rock star.”

Jared looks down at the stained carpet. “If that’s what you want to think.”

Jensen rolls his eyes. “You let the cameras catch you on purpose. Aldis told me everything. You wanted Chris to come and take you on in California, far away from here. I’m bettin’ that coming back to the city wasn’t part of the plan either.”

“I’m not going to talk about this.” He looks up, narrows his eyes angrily. He just wants to have one night of _nothing_. No Chris. No anger. No guilt. Just nothingness.

“Too bad. I’m not going anywhere until I hear your side of things,” Jensen snaps with a dark look of his own.

They sit in silence for an hour before Jensen snorts and speaks. “You always were a stubborn bastard.”

“And you were always so damn self-righteous,” Jared retorts.

There’s a beat before they share an awkward smile.

“He said that he’s an undercover police officer, working the streets. That true?”

Jared scoffs, shakes his head. _Fucking Chris and his lies_. “No.”

Jensen sighs heavily and rocks back on his heels. “I guess, after ten years, we aren’t exactly on the same page and no, you don’t have to tell me anything, but I’ve spent every day of the last ten years wondering what happened to you. Asking myself if it was my fault.”

Jared’s head snaps up. “It’s not your fault. This has _nothing_ to do with you, besides Chris using you to get to me.”

“You called me that night, Jared. And I didn’t answer. You needed my help.” He looks so sad that Jared can’t help the guilt that floods his system.

Jared barely remembers it. Events of that night are foggy. All he remembers is waking up the next morning with a bag of cash lying on his chest and a note that said he would go down for Peterson’s murder if he didn’t leave town immediately.

“What did I say exactly?” Jensen’s facial expression is an uneasy one and Jared frowns when he retrieves his phone from his jacket pocket.

“I keep a recording just…so that I have a reminder.” He sounds guilty enough that Jared can’t bring himself to comment on it. After all, he doesn’t have the most vivid memory of that night.

He listens as Jensen plays the voice message, eyes narrowed as he tried to get his brain juices flowing. He’s still not sure if it was Chris that caught up with him that night or Peterson himself. All he remembered was going to find Peterson and waking up disoriented with the money and note staring back at him. Peterson wasn’t declared dead until after he’d skipped town, but Jared had been around enough shady cops to know how easily they could fake evidence or crime scenes. In Peterson’s case, it’s not like there was a shortage of people who wanted to kill him. Later, when he was privy to certain things, he just figured that was the night Chris staged a coup - something that had been in the works for a long time.

_It’s me. I think I might be in trouble. You think you can meet me at my apartment…in...an…an hour. I'll…explain every…everything then._

“Bastards drugged me,” Jared spits out violently. “That’s why I couldn’t remember that night.”

“Is that why you ran? Why you hid for five years?” There’s anger in Jensen’s tone and Jared knows that he will have to do something about that later. Sit down and explain the whole sorry story to him before sending him on his way, because a lot of time might have passed but nothing’s changed. Not really. He’s still the same guy he’s always been – trouble.

“The why doesn’t matter,” he tells Jensen. “You should probably skip town for a few days. Chris and I have some scores to settle – without him using _you_ as bait.”

Jensen scoffs. “Oh it matters. And, what – what do you mean _bait_? He’s had a long time to do that, Why pick now? How do you even know what’s going on?”

“You’re Chris’ Hail Mary pass. His last resort. The walls are crumbling in—“

“Stop,” Jensen interrupts him. “Just rewind back. Why did you run, Jared? I know that you’re changing the subject but after everything – you owe me. You fucking _owe_ me an answer.”

Jared scratches at his forehead, not wanting to admit that he thought that he might have _killed_ someone. With the scraps he got into, he’d believed it at first – hell, he believed it for almost five years. Even had nightmares about the moment he did it. Imagined the light going out of Peterson’s eyes, smelt the blood congealing on his fingers. It’s funny what kind of tricks the mind could play when twisted and deceived. The levels of self-hatred Jared reached are hard to come back from. He still hates what he sees in the mirror, still feels slightly nauseated when he thinks about how pride dragged him back into this life. It sucked him back in, made him want to play the big hero. He was so accustomed to taking care of other people that he forgot about himself.

“Jared…” There are warm, dry hands palming his face and he lets himself feel the comfort for a few seconds before he pulls away. He pushes Jensen back gently.

“I thought that I murdered Peterson,” he confesses. “That’s why I left. I believed that I was a killer. And I took the cowardly way out and laid low.”

To Jensen’s credit, he doesn’t even flinch, just eyes Jared with more tenderness than he’s received from anyone.

“You’re not a killer, Jared. I’d swear my life on it. I’m sorry that someone set you up that way. Sorry that you’re in this mess. I want to help in any way I can.”

Jared eyes Jensen wearily. “Well, there is something you can do.”

~

“This isn’t what I had in mind,” Jensen grumbles as he wipes his grease stained fingers on a napkin. “When I said I wanted to help, I didn’t mean help you order a pizza.”

Jared sighs and tries to keep his temper at bay. Jensen’s always been that one person that made him stop thinking before he acts, and he finds himself taking a breath and responding calmly.

“No offence, but you wear sweater vests and ties,” Jared retorts. “You’re not exactly ‘Let’s take down a drug dealer’ material.”

“Drugs?” Jensen echoes, essentially proving his point. “Fuck, I can’t believe that I never noticed that Chris wasn’t who he said he was. I guess I was just too wrapped up in…you. It was either work or wondering where the hell you were. And then I’d feel shitty for not being _normal_ and then realize that normal was just an increasingly distant memory.”

“I should have told you,” Jared replies. “I’m sorry.” The apology isn’t just regarding Chris, but Jared’s never been any good at apologizing.

Jensen balls up his napkin and tosses it into the empty pizza box. “He says that he’s an undercover Narcotics Officer. Guess that’s a front for his shady dealings.”

“Yeah…” Jared murmurs, suddenly drowsy from the day’s activities. He might die tomorrow and here he is, with his best friend. It might be a decade too late, but it’s almost fitting. Ending the way it started. “You wanna stay here tonight? It’s late.”

It’s not a proposition. Or at least Jared doesn’t think it is. It’s been a long time since he’s been intimate with anyone and Jensen might as well have a flashing neon sign that says ‘BAD IDEA!’ on his forehead. Still, the selfish part of Jared wants to give in.

“Is that a good idea?” Jensen’s even more flustered than he is, which only serves to highlight the fact that it isn’t a good idea, but Jared doesn’t want to be alone tonight. For one night, he wants to be held. Or, feel safe. Whatever. Somehow the nothing he desired not to long ago wouldn’t feel right. Not now.

“Do you still love me?” The question slips out, unbidden, though Jared knows that they were always going to get to this point. The longer Jensen stayed, the more inevitable it was.

“Yeah, of course,” Jensen says uneasily. “We’re friends, aren’t we?” Jared supposes that he could let that answer slide. Who knows, Jensen might have a serious boyfriend. It never really came up when he was being fed information about Jensen; inhaling each tiny scrap, clinging onto the past and doing the same things he condemned others for. ‘ _He’s doing fine’_ was the general gist. It wasn’t enough but it had to be. He had no other choice. Jensen might have this perfect, idyllic life and Jared might be fucking it all up but right now he’s only interested in one thing.

“Are you still _in love_ with me?” Jared remembers that conversation like it was yesterday. Jensen took him to dinner – a celebration of his new job. He knocked over his glass of wine, could barely look Jared in the eye as the words fell out. He had feelings for Jared, he was in love with him and he couldn’t keep it a secret anymore.

Fast forward to here and now and Jensen’s face is damn near stoic compared to the openness Jared saw that night. There’s anger in his eyes and for a second Jared thinks maybe he’s pushed too far.

“What do you want me to tell you, Jared?” Jensen asks slowly. “The truth. Or a lie? Either way you know what the answer is. The same way that I know what your answer is.”

Jared splutters inelegantly. “I did _not_ tell you that I was in love with you.” He’s never uttered the L word to anybody, not since he realized that it was another thing that his mom didn’t mean. Love became ugly and he wanted _nothing_ to do with it.

“You didn’t say that you weren’t.”

Jared smiles bitterly. That’s true. “Nothing’s changed, Jensen. Love is still this surreal thing that I’ll never understand. _Ever_.”

“Give me a chance to show you,” Jensen says. “Just tonight.”

It’s a dangerous request but that’s not what scares Jared. What scares him is that he knows that he can’t refuse. For all his bravado and rhetoric about relationships, not feeling loved is his weak point. His kryptonite. After being exposed to it for so long he’s desperate to feel something.

So he says yes.

# Three

 

The morning after his reunion with Jared, Jensen finds himself in his office waiting for Lindberg to show up. There’s a sleek, black, shiny object in his hand and a whole lot of guilt in his head. He might be a slightly naïve, sweater-vest wearing professional, but that makes him far from an idiot. He refuses to believe that he can’t help Jared somehow. That he used sex to distract Jared is regrettable but in hindsight, it seems like that was just an eventuality anyway. It’s always been a matter of _when_ with them and not _if_. Plus, he knows people like Lindberg. That counts for something.

Speaking of Lindberg, there’s a knock on his door and his assistant ushers the man in, with the same look of disapproval she has each time. Jensen pays her no mind and beckons for Lindberg to sit down.

“So, what was that the other day?” Lindberg asks in lieu of a greeting. “You couldn’t talk?” It takes Jensen a second to recall, but of course. That was the day Chris revealed that he was a whole other person entirely.

He shakes his head despondently. “I was having a conversation with my friend Christian Kane.” Lindberg lets out a low whistle at the name and tuts.

“Your friend Chris has been a bad boy,” he retorts. “I’m talking fraud, corruption, intimidation of witnesses, theft – everything. All in the name of justice, of course. Actually, that’s why I’m here. Your buddy Jared was up to his neck in the corrupt police dealings. Seems he was a POI in a murder case before he turned state witness and testified that Chris was a shady motherfucker. But you already knew all of that didn’t you?”

Jensen frowns at him, unsure how Lindberg knows this when he hasn’t said much.

“I put a tracking alert on Jared’s new identity and was surprised to see that he was booked on a flight to New York,” Lindberg explains. “It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that it’s related to all of this. So what’s the plan? He wants to go down guns blazing? Maybe take Chris out once and for all?”

“Jared’s not a killer.”

There’s enough iciness in his tone that Lindberg holds his hands up apologetically.

“He says that someone sent him a video five years ago, that was the evidence that got Chris thrown out of the force?” Jensen rubs at his forehead gently, suddenly feeling like he’s been thrown headfirst into an action movie that makes little sense.

Lindberg nods. “More or less. Chris got his case overturned and now he does ‘undercover work’ as an officer. He was demoted basically, on the evidence that the video was tampered with.”

Jensen holds up the USB stick. “I think I know who tampered with it. You think you could check it out? There’s a clip on here that should have been enough to put Chris in _jail_. Let alone get him taken off the force.” He doesn’t regret watching it, but damn it’s a sight that he won’t be forgetting easily. The worst part is that there’s a part of him that isn’t surprised that Chris is capable of such things. He wonders what that says about him.

Lindberg sighs uneasily. “Next time I’m in court you better up your game, Ackles. How did you even get this? I thought I was the wannabe covert spy here?”

“Hey, well, maybe you’ve inspired me,” Jensen shoots back sarcastically. “Plus you owe _me_. Not the other way around.”

Before Lindberg can answer, his door burst open once again, and his assistant looks frazzled instead of annoyed. “I’m sorry Dr. Ackles, he refused to wait in reception.” Jared steps past her, with a look of thunder on his face. Lindberg winces painfully.

“And that’s not the face of a man I want to be around for much longer. I’ll see you at our next appointment, dude. I’m out.” Jensen shakes his head before signalling to his assistant that everything is fine. Jared wastes no time in taking the seat across from Jensen’s desk when the door shuts once again.

“You know, it’d be pretty unethical for me to take you on as a patient.” Jared stares back at him, eyes dark and angry. Jensen clears his throat. So that’s a no to witty banter. Right.

“That was pretty smart of you,” Jared speaks eventually. “Have sex with me and steal my property when I’m dead to the world.” Jensen clears his throat guiltily. When Jared puts it like that, it sounds _bad_. That’s not exactly how it happened. No, first there was the hour he spent staring at Jared wondering what he could do to get him out of this mess. Jensen’s never been any good at feeling _helpless_. It goes against his nature.

“If that’s what you want to believe, then fine,” he replies. “Maybe I just didn’t think much of your last resort. And maybe I just needed to see for myself. Whether you like it or not, all of this involves _me_. Chris still thinks that I believe his version of events but that won’t last long when he realizes that you’re in town.”

Jared exhales deeply. “Just give me back the flash drive, Jensen. I don’t have time to go back and forth with you. Not today.”

Jensen reaches into his drawer silently and pulls out the original flash drive and hands it back to Jared. Considering that there was important information on there, he’d expected it to be encrypted or something but it wasn’t. That’s all he needs to know that Jared is in way over his head. He’s still that messed up kid whether he likes it or not.

He takes the flash drive from Jensen and leaves without saying goodbye. Jensen doesn’t expect that to sting as much it does.

~

Once Jensen is done with work, he finds himself at a loose end. On one hand, he needs to talk to someone, but on the other, he doesn’t want to draw Chris’ attention to anyone else. As his luck would have it, Chad Michael Murray happens to be in the hole-in-the-wall bar Jensen slides into. It’s sort of a hipster location, the kind that drug dealers avoid, so he’s not expecting to see Chad here, but there he is. Chad’s eyes narrow when he sees Jensen but he heads over anyway.

“Ackles,” he says as a way of greeting.

“Chad.” He doesn’t want to say too much about Jared, just in case he’s lying low or whatever. He doesn’t know the protocol for this kind of thing. Just that his head feels like it’s about to burst.

“Jared’s mom told me that he’s back,” Chad says. “I figured he would've been to see you. Guess I was right. You look like shit.”

“Astute detective work,” Jensen mutters as he swallows down another gulp of his beer. “His mom told me too. Funny how he trusted her enough to keep in touch with her.” Jensen’s made a habit of keeping contact with Jared’s mother over the years. Once he saw that she had sorted her life out, he just assumed that she would be concerned about the fact that her son was missing. Learning that she knew more than she let on was like a knife to the chest. Not because she didn’t deserve to know, but because even now, Jared still put his trust in someone who had a history of letting him down. _You’re jealous_. Jensen snorts at the voice in his head. Fuck, yeah, maybe he is. Doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Chad pats Jensen consolingly and the gesture catches him by surprise. “You of all people should know the reason why. I mean, I get it. After I saw him on that television screen, I was _pissed_. But then, I have no right to be. I was the one who put him in that mess. So were Katie and Aldis. You’re a 9 to 5 regular Joe with a life far, far away from the streets. If you were in Jared’s shoes would you have confided in yourself?”

Jensen wants to say yes, but he knows that he would never want any harm to come anyone because of him, let alone _Jared_. It’s unthinkable. Which is why he took the flash drive. Jared rushing back because he thinks that Chris plans on using him leaves him with an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“No, I wouldn’t,” Jensen admits. “But he sent Aldis a letter. He could have found a way.”

“He saved our lives,” Chad says defiantly. “That was enough for me. And after that it was just easier to pretend. If he wasn’t here then he was _safe_. And then he pulled that stunt at that funeral. Fucking idiot. But I guess it’s always been about you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Chad scratches at his fuzzy facial hair. “It wasn’t an accident that you met at those mentor-buddy sessions. Except you were there for mentoring and Chris was there to _recruit_. Jared was always the smart one. He knew how to make drops, he handled the logistics, never got caught but he was growing tired of it. Apparently, someone thought he wasn’t fulfilling his potential.”

“So, Chris befriended me because he thought I was trying to poach his best worker,” Jensen states incredulously. It all sounds so contrived and ridiculous that he almost can’t blame himself for never realizing, except the signs were there. Jared’s constant distrust of Chris. The way that Chris would talk about Jared. The signs were there and he missed every single one of them.

Chad shrugs. “That’s the way I see it. And that’s always been Jared’s problem. He could have done what we couldn’t – had a new life, gotten a good job, gotten married, had kids, whatever. He was supposed to but there’s something holding him back. I mean, it’s just like that saying – ‘ _Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner_.’”

Jensen raises an eyebrow. “Isn’t that a direct quote from _Heat_?” If it wasn’t so sad, the quote would be kind of fitting.

“Doesn’t make it any less true,” Chad answers. “And he might not have stayed but he didn’t walk out on you here,” he taps his head, “Or here.” He taps his chest. “It’s easy for us to be angry, but now I’m just sad that he’s been on his own for so long.”

“Yeah,” Jensen says wearily. “Yeah, it is.”

“And he’s always liked you, Jensen,” Chad adds. “Always loved you. Don’t ever doubt that. I used to think that you were bad for him, but…maybe I was wrong. Maybe you do have to let yourself get attached sometimes because that’s what keeps you human. That’s what separates us from becoming evil scumbags like Chris fucking Kane.”

Coming from Chad, the words bear meaning and given all that happened on the previous night, he knows that Jared loves him. He just doesn’t know if that is enough.

~

Jensen walks home, not really wanting to pay for a cab and get stuck in traffic. The alcohol makes him less wary of being snatched by Chris or one of his cronies and the wind chill soothes his aching head. Everything Chad said swirls around in his mind over and over, and by time he reaches his front door all he wants to do is sleep. Unfortunately for him, he’s got another uninvited visitor.

Danneel.

His phone rings as he turns the corner and he stops to answer it when he sees that it’s Lindberg. Danneel remains silent as she spots him, her face blank and impassive. He pulls out his keys and moves towards his door. It’s not like he’s a complete novice, he can defend himself if he needs to.

“So, the video is legit. There are two copies on the drive. Edited and unedited plus an encrypted file that took me a while to get into. FBI encrypted.”

Jensen frowns as he opens the door and beckons Danneel in. “Is that bad?”

Lindberg hums. “Depends. Either they’re looking into your buddy, Chris or trying to set Jared up so far. You can’t trust the Feds, man. Don’t I always tell you that?”

Jensen laughs bitterly. “Yes, you do. Was that all you could find out? Any luck on who it was that sent Jared the video?”

“This is where things get weird. There was a name listed on the file so I ran it all of the databases I have access to. The name is clean, but…I recognised the image listed on the profiles.”

Jensen looks up at Danneel who is eyeing him suspiciously.

“Go on,” he says. She can wait.

“I’m pretty sure it’s that redhead who’s a part of your crew. Or your buddy’s crew. What was her name, Danielle? Weird, huh?”

“Yeah, man,” Jensen replies. He looks up at Danneel. _Shit._ “That’s very weird.”

The line cuts off and he pockets his phone slowly, unsure how to play this. He’s always been wary of Danneel. There’s always been something off about her and given all that’s happening, he’s somewhat glad that at least _one_ of his instincts is working right.

“We need to talk,” Danneel says sternly.

~

Going back to work each morning is getting more and more difficult. Obviously, he has a duty to his patients but all of the inner turmoil he’s experiencing makes him wonder how useful he is at the moment. Paperwork has fallen by the wayside and the unread counter on his email gets higher and higher every day. Still, it’s the furthest from his mind right now.

He hasn’t seen Jared since their argument about the flash drive and his mind is still reeling from Danneel’s visit the previous evening. It turns out that Lindberg is right – she is FBI. She’s been investigating the local police force for the past five years after there was a spate of deaths and disappearances all linked to ongoing cases. He doesn’t really get any concrete answers from her, just vague irritating bullshit that did nothing to ease his nerves.

She at least promises to do her best to see that Jared doesn’t get hurt, although given that he’s supposed to be in the witness security program, she claims that it won’t be easy.

Jensen tells her in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t really give a fuck about how easy it is – she just has to do it.

Now, he’s just tired. He needs a little breathing space, so he heads into work early, hoping that maybe he can reflect in his office and remind himself that he still has a life of his own to worry about besides this whole new facet that’s sprung up so suddenly.

Unfortunately, Chris has other ideas.

“You know, I thought you would be smarter, Jensen,” his former friend says from behind Jensen’s desk. His office is dark on account of the early hour and lack of lighting. Perhaps Chris does his best menacing routine in the dark, who knows? Either way, he flips on the light switch.

“What are you doing here, Chris?” he asks tersely. “Last time I checked you didn’t have an appointment.”

“Did Jared have one when he swung by yesterday? Besides fucking you, that is. I know about your little romantic reunion. It’s kind of sweet really.”

“What do you want Chris?” Jensen spits out. “The walls are closing in on you man.”

Chris laughs gleefully. “Oh, I know. See, I took the liberty of finding other ways to keep on an eye out once it became clear that you didn’t trust me like you claim you did." Footsteps sound behind Jensen and the power goes out. He scoffs. Unnecessary but hey, who knew? Corrupt cops have some flair.

"What are you talking about Chris?"

"You and your little buddy, Danneel," Chris spits out. "You must think you're so smart. All of that bullshit about not trusting her, all the stuff she told me about Jared. It was all a setup, wasn't it?"

Jensen freezes at that. Danneel's words, while convincing, haven't exactly changed his opinion of her. The fact is that she colluded with a witness to get Chris sent down and it backfired horribly. And yet, her superiors have allowed it to continue on, apparently unaided. Jensen's no detective but he smells a rat. There's something off about her and he doesn't know what it is. He doesn't know if Jared's aware of more than what he shared.

"Look, man, I'm not the one who's done you wrong here and neither is Jared. Just leave now and I swear, I won't say a word to anyone. Not even Danneel."

Chris smiles bitterly. "Three people have seen that video. And I like you, Jensen. It would be easy enough to discredit you. You've spent the last ten years obsessively pining after a guy that doesn't give a shit about you. Even the clean cops think you're a regular ol' fruit loop."

"Right and when they realize that Jared came back, what will they think then?"

"Jared Padalecki is dead," Chris replies. "His file might say presumed missing but he doesn't exist anymore. Ergo, how could he have come back? You were seeing things. No one else who's seen him would be stupid enough to go up against me."

The sad thing is that Chris is still his friend. Jensen still cares for him on some level and listening to this is infuriating.

"What about Danneel?" Jensen asks. "You're going to kill Jared, make me seem like I'm crazy. What about her?" Chris eyes him suspiciously, his eyes glinting in the darkness, illuminated by fury. After a few minutes the suspicion fades and he looks away.

"You really don't know?" he asks in disbelief. "God, you're not cut out for this life. Sometimes I forget."

"Living a double life will do that to you."

"Danneel is...she's not as innocent as she claims to be. I can tell you that," Chris explains.

Jensen quirks a brow. "She's FBI, Chris."

There's a long pause before Chris sighs and looks away. "If you say so, friend. But like I just said, that woman can't be trusted. She ain't a fed, I can tell you that much."

"She says the same about you," Jensen adds. "And I'm starting to think that this is one elaborate game of cat and mouse. Let me guess. You were lovers?" He's been trying to figure her out ever since she showed up at his apartment. Her hatred for Chris seems strange. Personal, and perhaps understandably so, but clearly something happened to make her emotions so strong that he can see them in her eyes even though she's doing her best to shield everything beyond what she wants to portray.

Chris’ outburst of laughter shocks every part of Jensen's system. Jensen blushes, feeling embarrassed somehow.

"Fuck no," he states. "I thought she was just another street woman. She's even done a few jobs here and there. I should have known there was something off about her. She has a real knack for turning up at the wrong time." Jensen rolls his eyes, it’s convenient that Chris _now_ sees that there was something off. Never mind that he was telling him for years.

Chris is about to say something else when Jensen’s phone rings. He remains still, hoping that the person will cut off soon but Chris beckons for him to answer. “Put it on loudspeaker.”

Jensen curses under his breath silently when he hears Lindberg’s voice on the phone. By the time Lindberg has revealed that a. hacking while sober is a lot better than he knew it could be, b. He ran Danneel’s file again and found some _discrepancies_ , Jensen’s resigned himself to his fate.

“Hey, you’re awfully quiet, man,” Lindberg notes once he’s finished updating Jensen and inadvertently, Chris, whose face has morphed into a tight expression. “Usually this is the point where you tell me that I’m not supposed to be doing this. Or well, it’s about your buddy, so I was expecting more of a reaction.” He sounds concerned and Jensen hates that he’s not astute enough to warn the other man somehow. He looks back at Chris and sees the warning look in his eyes.

_Fuck it._

“Get yourself somewhere safe, Chad and if anyone asks you about any of this, deny everything and—“ Jensen’s word are punctuated by Chris slamming the butt of his gun into the phone’s display. Not content with that, he repeats the action until the lights fade and the display disappears.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he barks. “What else that does that little shit know?”

Jensen smirks shrewdly, finally done with pretending that he owes Chris anything. They were never friends, not really. There might have been good times, heartfelt discussions, the inspiration they supposedly instilled in the community. All of that might have happened but it wasn’t _real_. None of it was real and the raw truth has finally hit Jensen. It is like he’s been living in a cryogenic chamber for the last ten years, just going through the motions until he comes out of the other end and finds that the world has changed around him.

And that’s just _him_. God only knows how Jared must really feel. So Chris can make all of the threats he likes but Jensen is tired of all of this.

“I don’t know, Chris,” he replies wearily. “Don’t ask me anything because all I can tell you is that I don’t have any answers for you.”

Chris shakes his head in despair. “Is he really worth dying for?” The insinuation that this is still about Jared would be insulting if he didn’t know that Chris was so rattled by Danneel’s increasing involvement in the plotting of his demise. It’s in his eyes. The way his hand trembles. He knows that his reign of terror is almost at end, the walls are closing in and he’s powerless.

And then there’s Jensen, his last remaining bargaining chip because Lindberg is resourceful. They won’t find him if he doesn’t want to be found.

“You’re not going to kill me, Chris,” Jensen smarts eventually. “You don’t have the guts.” There’s movement behind him and he turns to see that two of Chris’ goons are flanking him on either side.

“Yeah, we’ll see about that,” Chris grumbles before gesturing to the two men. “Get him out of here.”

Jensen protests in vain as they strong arm him out of the room. He feels something slip and fall to the ground but can’t get a look at it. They push and shove him out of the building, the cold wind chill seeping into his skin briefly before he’s bundled into the back of nondescript, black minivan.

He takes a deep breath and buckles himself in. He hopes to hell that Jared finds him in time because while he called Chris’ bluff, he’s not entirely sure what the man is capable of.

#  **Four**

** **

 

There’s something kind of freeing about being able to walk around in the city he’s always called home as himself. Sure, he’s always been Jared, but California wasn’t the same. The air is different and, like it or not, he was different there. Here, the streets are familiar, scent of the air homely in a way he never really thought it would be. Even the grime is a welcome sight.

The fact that he doesn’t bother to hide that he’s walking around probably helps. He has no idea how his showdown with Chris is going to go, or even how to deal with the Jensen side of things. He regrets getting angry with Jensen the previous day.

He regrets a lots of things.

He shoves his hands into his pockets and is just rounding a corner when he walks straight into someone. He stumbles back slightly and looks up with a sharp rebuke on the tip of his tongue but it falls away when he sees that it’s Aldis.

“Heard you were back in town,” his friend says. There’s no real warmth in his tone but his eyes tell a different story. At least they do before they cloud over. “Actually I was just looking for you – I just went past Jensen’s office. The cops were outside but I thought I’d take a look anyway. His assistant was saying something about a break-in.” Anger course through Jared’s system. This has Chris Kane written all over it.

“Is Jensen okay?” he asks. Aldis looks away momentarily and Jared starts to sense that something terrible has happened.

“Look, it could be nothing, but he wasn’t there. And I didn’t want to jump to conclusions but I found this lying in a corner in the waiting area.” He holds up a beaded, brown bracelet, one that Jared knows belongs to Jensen, not just because he saw it a few days ago but because _he_ bought it. He still remembers that day. First legit pay check and soon after the awkwardness of Jensen’s profession of _love_. Jared just wanted to do something to show that he was grateful for all of Jensen’s help, and that he wasn’t a completely heartless bastard.

That something so small put such a vibrant smile on Jensen’s face is a memory that Jared will never forget.

However, it falls away quickly in this particular instance. He doesn’t believe in coincidences, so he’s sure that Chris left a little sign especially for him.

“Chris,” he utters blankly when he realises that Aldis is still there. “Any idea where he and his crew hang out these days?”

Aldis shakes his head. “They moved their head office from the streets a while back. Apparently you can afford to set up a sweet little spot somewhere when you’re the law. I’ll put some feelers out. It’s just past eight, I can’t help you man. I don’t wanna end up in jail. My momma’s shed enough tears over me.”

“That’s fine, Aldis. I can deal with this by myself.”

Jensen might be Chris’ Hail Mary pass but what Chris doesn’t know is that _he’s_ Jared’s. And when he catches up with him, it won’t be over until one of them ends up on a cold slab in the morgue.

“Uh-uh, no, I don’t like that look in your eye, man,” Aldis protests. “I said that I can’t help you, not that I won’t.”

Jared frowns. “What’s the difference?”

“I don’t know,” Aldis admits. “I just don’t like that look. That’s the look that got you into this mess. Wanting to protect us. You can’t do shit like that anymore.”

“Really? The way I see it, I can go to that great hole in the wall on 5th street, ask for the spicy tacos and end all of this by midnight. They still do the tacos, right?”

Aldis sighs heavily. “You do that and _you’re_ a dead man. There’s one of you and Chris has a whole bunch of his goons. You gotta be smart. Carrying a piece won’t save you.”

“Maybe we can call the police,” Jared retorts sarcastically. “Oh, wait. Can’t. When you have a better idea, call me. In the meantime, I think I’ll go and grab those tacos.”

He pushes past Aldis, practically bristling with anger. When he’s a significant distance away, he stops again and retrieves his cell phone, some cheap pay as you go model that he’d picked up along with the knife. He dials the last number in his call log and waits impatiently, his annoyance ratcheting up with each mocking shrill of the dialling tone.

When the call is answered, he doesn’t wait for the other person to speak before saying, “You told me that you had this under control. And while I didn’t trust you, I believed you. I believed you months ago when you approached me and told me that there might be a way back. Even though I knew that you were just messing with my head – making me think that everything was my idea. The plan was never to lure Chris out of state, was it? Maybe I _am_ a fucking idiot after all.”

There’s a pause on the other end of the line and a muffled voice in the background before she speaks again. Agent Danneel Harris, proverbial pain in his ass for the last five years. She showed up just before they shipped him off to California, claiming to know everything. Hell, she was the one that gave him the full video. Why he ever put faith in her is a distant memory now. This was supposed to be the end of everything. He was supposed to arouse enough of a reaction from Chris that she would be able to swoop in and make her arrest, but he’s starting to doubt the validity of much of what she’s told him of late.

“Jared, look – I know that you must be concerned about how things are playing out here but your friend will be fine. He’s tougher than you think. I was with him just yesterday. We spoke in his apartment. So, for now…just stick to the plan that we agreed on.”

Jared’s blood runs cold. He gives his surroundings a cursory glance and starts to move again. He’s pretty sure that his mom has a gun stashed somewhere, and right now it has his name all over it. Contrary to what he told Aldis, he’s not about to enter a potentially compromised joint and offer himself up on a platter. Chris won’t want him dead, not yet at least, but he’s not taking any chances.

“You don’t know do you?” He laughs bitterly. “And I thought that you FBI bigwigs were supposed to be the smart guys. Chris has been suspicious over the past few days, weeks, whatever. With his resources, he probably knows everyone that Jensen spoke to, probably found ways to listen. You know, like the amazing corrupt individual he is. He _has_ Jensen, right now.”

“Look, Jared, I know that this isn’t what we agreed on, but you’re not the only one who needs Chris to go down.”

“You know what’s funny, Danneel?” Jared asks, ignoring her previous statement. “You claimed that you had surveillance on Jensen around the clock, 24/7 and sure enough, he’s been fine. And then I come back – just like you knew I would – and somehow all of that disappears just in time for me to swing back into town. And you know what else is funny? You were pretty good at keeping me updated on everything up until three months ago, when I had to start asking my mother if Jensen was still alive. And then I get that phone call from you telling me that it’s time to make my grand gesture. It’s all kind of weird.”

“I will explain everything to you later, Jared,” Danneel says in that ever-calm voice of hers. “You just, hang tight, okay? Don’t go after Chris.”

This time his laugh isn’t even bitter. “By that you mean, definitely go after him, so that I can lead you there and you get another arrest under your belt – at my expense.”

Danneel takes a while to answer but when she does, her tone takes on a chilling note. “He’s not going to kill Jensen. He might hurt him a little, but as long as you’re in the wind, he won’t kill _him_.

“But he might kill me,” Jared replies. “And that would be awesome for you. No one would know that you sent me the video. And no one would know that I did what you told me to do.”

“We both agreed that we would do whatever it takes to put Chris away, Jared,” Danneel says, emotion bleeding through her voice for the first time during the conversation. He hangs up, not wanting to hear anymore.

The betrayal stings, likes a visceral wound open for all to see. There aren’t many things that Jared would willingly give his life for, but he’s already given it up in order to protect himself, to protect his friends. Still, he would give it up if it meant keeping Jensen safe.

He would.

But not like this. Not when Danneel’s just fucked him over royally.

~

There are days when Jared misses his childhood. It’s fucked up and weird but so much of his early life consisted taking care of his mom that it became his purpose. It was his job to clean her up. It was his job to defend her against the scumbags she brought into the house. He took care of the bottles, emptied out her ashtray and much worse. He didn’t hate it at first - sure, he hated seeing her in that state but it was just normal. If he took care of everything there would be more days when she smelled like lavender and soap and took care of him for once - made sure that we went to school, that there was food on the table. And those days did come. In the end watching her ‘recover’ just became this ticking time bomb. It wasn’t a matter of how long her good patch would last but when it would falter.

He doesn’t have a key to her house so when he gets there he rings the doorbell and waits patiently. He’s just spent the least five hours tracing the streets, trying to find information about Chris’ whereabouts. The search has been fruitless and he is at the end of his rope. However, when Aldis somehow got word to him that he was at his mom’s house, he had no option but to head over.

“Jared, I’ve been worried about you,” she says as soon as she opens the door. She pulls him into a one-sided hug that he can’t bring himself to lean into. “Aldis told me that Jensen might be in danger. I’m so sorry.”

It sounds sincere enough but in his mind, he still hears the echo of the vicious words she spat at him when she was three sheets to the wind and angry. He blinks the memory away and steps past the threshold, nodding at her gently. Disappointment fills her eyes and he feels his chest constrict even more.

Thankfully, Aldis is waiting for him in the kitchen along with a guy with brown hair, clad in dark shades and oversized black clothing. The guy removes the glasses when he sees Jared and he realises that this was the man in Jensen’s office when he stormed in.

“Jared, this is Lindberg,” Aldis tells him. “He came here a few hours ago - your mom couldn’t get a hold of you, so she called me. Chad and Katie are on their way.” Jared frowns at the last part of the statement. He’d rather not drag even more people into this mess, but he’ll discuss that later. In the meantime, his attention is solely on Lindberg.

“Where is he?” Jared asks immediately. He’s not in the mood for any niceties. He just wants all of this to be over. “Chris has him, right?”

“Right,” the guy says in a thick drawl. “That’s not your only problem. You’re little friend, Danneel - she’s not who she claims to be.” There’s a suspicious look in Lindberg’s eyes and after the phone call he made to Danneel, he probably deserves it.

“I didn’t know she wasn’t who she said she was,” Jared replies. “I _don’t_. Up until today I thought she was an agent. She swore to me that no harm would come to Jensen.” Lindberg laughs bitterly and pulls a folder out of his jacket pocket.

“Sorry, buddy, but she’s the last person you should ever have trusted.” He slides the folder across the table and Jared retrieves it, ripping into it with so much gusto that he gives himself a papercut. The sharp pain barely registers as he stares down at a mugshot. The face is very familiar but the name is alien. Unless…

No…

“Jensen gave me a copy of the video that you have,” Lindberg says, his voice suddenly seeming tinny and distant. “At first I thought it was all legit - Danneel showed up as an agent. But it was weird that the video didn’t have any encryption logs on it - no evidence that it had come from the Bureau and usually there’s _something_. So I did some more digging and it turns out that there is no Agent Danneel Harris - the page that comes up in the database is a dummy.”

Aldis rolls his eyes. “Keep it in laymen terms for us lowly folk, would ya?”

Lindberg huffs, “Basically, when I input her name, it rerouted me to a page that looked like it was on the FBI server but it wasn’t - whoever she had set that up for her was good, but not that good.”

“Danielle Peterson,” Jared mutters. He waves the folder erratically. “Did you look her up?”

“Duh, I’m not an amateur - and I happen to like Jensen,” Lindberg states. “He might working for Uncle Sam on occasions and he might be a squint, but he’s the best guy I know. If he doesn’t make it out of this you’re going to have me to answer to.”

“Who the hell are you to threaten me?” Jared explodes, his anger getting the better of him as he squares up to Lindberg who remains seated and impressively stoic. “You don’t know a thing about me. And call him that again and you’ll be wearing an imprint of my fist on your face.”

Lindberg scoffs. “I know that you abandoned your friend for ten years - that you let him think that something serious had happened to you.”

“Actually, he didn’t,” Aldis chimes in. “He tried to get a message to Jensen through me but I didn’t deliver it. So, if you wanna blame someone, blame me.”

It’s not a new admission, and while Jared was pissed when he first realised what Aldis had done he also understood.

“I...I didn’t know that,” Lindberg says. “But it changes nothing. How you feel right now, Jared, is how Jensen felt every day for the last ten years. Just think about that.”

“With all due respect, I don’t know you, so while I take your opinion on board, I don’t really give a fu-” he cuts off as the kitchen door swings open and loud footsteps sound in the room. It’s Harry, his step-dad and his half-sister Madison. She squeals when he sees him and bounds over and tugs at his jacket. She’s six going on seven, and past a few Skype video calls it’s been years since he’s seen her. She doesn’t need characters like him in her life. She needs a brother who can protect her and that is not him.

“She wanted to see you,” Harry explains when Jared gives him a pointed look. “We’ve missed you.”

“Mommy told me that you’re sad about your missing friend,” she says innocently. “Maybe Daddy and I can help you look! He always finds my bear whenever he runs away. If we find him, maybe you’ll stay?”

He crouches down to her level and looks her in eye for the first time since she became old enough to remember. “Thanks for your offer, kiddo, but I gotta do this one by myself. And when I find him, I promise that you and I will hang out okay?” She nods enthusiastically and envelopes him in a rather awkward, yet comfortable hug. He feels the jealously melt away, because at the end of the day, it would kill him if she had a childhood like his. No, this is what she deserves. Normalcy. Happiness. And an older brother who is there for her.

Harry nods at Jared as he leaves, with a half-smile painted on his face. He turns back to find Aldis and Lindberg watching him strangely.

“What?” he asks.

“Nothing,” Lindberg shrugs. “Maybe there’s more to you than meets the eye. That’s all.” Jared shakes his head in disbelief and holds up the file.

“I think I know what all of this is about,” he announces. “Danielle _Peterson_ \- we used to hear about her but we never saw her. No. Peterson’s daughter was off-limits. His pride and joy and--”

“His successor,” Chad interrupts as he bursts in, with Katie hot on his feels. “We know where Chris is. A guy in the deli claims that he saw a black minivan pull up outside that abandoned warehouse site.”

“Wait, not the one that blew up all those years ago?” Aldis says.

Katie nods grimly. “That’s the one. It’s kind of weird isn’t it. Back to where we started.” Jared watches her and Chad silently, unsure how to broach the fact that they haven’t seen each other in a long time. Chad looks the same, more or less, while Katie’s all grown up, although the blonde hair is now dark brown and her scruffy Bulls hoodie has been replaced by a dark leather jacket. He is sure that they’re both angry with him for various reasons. Just like he’s sure that by contacting Aldis, he’s created some tension but he knows that they will never understand. Aldis was always the calmest one, who didn’t act impulsively, whereas Chad and Katie talked a big game but tended to get lost in the details.

“We can take my car,” Lindberg says. They start to file out but Chad stops him with a firm hand on the shoulder. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

Katie eyes them curiously but all she says is, ”It’s good to see you, Jared.” She exits the kitchen leaving him and Chad to themselves. There’s something in Chad’s eyes that Jared can’t quite place - an emotion he’s felt a lot in the past day.

Chad rolls his tongue over his teeth and looks down briefly before he swings an arm and catches Jared in the face. “That, is for not sending a fucking word to us. I thought you were dead, man.” Before Jared can react, Chad pulls him into a fierce hug. This time, Jared relaxes into it. He takes the moment for what it is - a fitting reunion.

~

Jared’s squished in the back of Lindberg’s truck when he hears Chad and Katie whispering to each other. The burnt out warehouse is about an hour away and they've been on the road long enough for him to catch them up on the whole sordid tale. Oddly enough, he notices Chad sneaking looks at Katie while he speaks and when he hears them whispering he can't ignore the sickening lurch in his stomach any longer. Clearly they know something that he doesn't, and if there's one thing Jared hates it’s being out of the loop.

"...should just tell them..." Chad is whispering, four magic words that force Jared to go from eavesdropping to actively needing to know what they're talking about.

"Is there a problem, Chad?" he asks simply. Chad shoots him a guilty look and turns to face Katie whose expression is guarded. So Chad is covering for her, Jared decides. Huh.

"Yeah, there is," Chad stammers. "Chris wasn’t the one who killed Peterson. It was me.”

Aldis and Jared react in unison: “What?!” Chad shrugs nonchalantly, though the clouded expression in his eyes makes Jared turn to Katie. She’s looking at Chad with exasperation and it isn’t hard to realise what’s going on here.

“ _You_ killed Peterson?” Jared says to her slowly. “How is that even possible - I saw Chris _shoot_ him - somebody filmed it.”

The truck grinds to a halt as they reach a stop light and Lindberg turns to face them.

“What part of ‘lay all of your cards’ on the table did you not understand?” he says, eyes squared narrowly at Chad. Chad shakes his head morosely but offers no further explanation and for a few seconds they remain in stunned silence.

“Seriously, I’ve been kicking it with you both for too long for you to just sit there like damn fools,” Aldis says when he eventually breaks the quiet. “Start talking.”

“Katie killed Peterson,” Jared says, because it’s clear that she and Chad are deep denial over this. “And somehow, Chris shot, what? His dead body?”

“If I wasn’t already regretting casting myself as the getaway driver in this homemade Hollywood thriller of ours, I would be now,” Lindberg smarts.

“ _Katie_ ,” Jared addresses her directly. He’s becoming increasingly annoyed by her silence especially when what she has to say could have a damaging impact on Jensen’s wellbeing. “What happened? It’s been ten years and none of us in this car give two shits about Peterson being dead - I just need to know what happened, especially because Chris tried to make _me_ think that I killed him.”

That seems to inject some life into Katie, because she finally looks at him, her eyes wide with surprise. Yeah, Jared left that part out when he was catching them up on the last ten years. He didn’t need anymore scrutiny.

“And it gets better,” Lindberg says from the driver's seat. “We’ve got one murderer and one guy who _thought_ he’d committed murder. Just peachy.”

Aldis reaches over and smacks Lindberg on the back of his head. “Dude, shut the fuck up. You knew what the deal was. And this isn’t a Hollywood thriller - we don’t need you to play the role of the smart ass who only has unhelpful, sarcastic shit to say.”

Lindberg flips Aldis the bird but doesn’t respond.

“He said that he would sort it out for me,” Katie mutters. “Yes. I killed Peterson. When Aldis said he was going to ask you for help I just - I knew that you were done you know? You had your job, your own place - Jensen. You were on your way to better things and I didn’t want you to fall back into the life.”

“So you’re saying that it’s my fault for trying to rectify _your_ mistake,” Aldis retorts angrily.

Katie shakes her head. “No, I’m not saying that, but I thought that it would be better to tell Peterson what happened and try and strike a deal. And I did that. I told him that the shipment wasn’t coming through and that the money was probably gone too. At first he was nice about it, you know, that patronising bullshit because I’m a woman. I thought, okay, I can take this if it means that he’ll let it slide.”

“Next thing I know, he was getting a little forceful. We struggled and I pushed him. He stumbled and dropped to the ground and I thought he was just out for the count, you know? But there was blood, he hit his head and...I panicked. I called Chris. He and I were...close at one point, so I thought that he would help me and he did. He said that he’d make it look like it was just normal thug-on-police crime and that he would sort it out.”

“Wow,” Jared says breathily. “I’m not even going to comment on the Chris thing. And that doesn’t explain the video - unless Danneel was there that night? But...that’s not possible. From what Lindberg dug up she was in another state entirely then. It was filmed by someone who knew what was happening. Aldis was on his way to get me so that leaves…” He trails off and turns to Chad, whose facial expression is oddly cold.

He’s always had a strange relationship with Chad. It was a rivalry of sorts. Growing up, he’d always had more of brotherly bond with Aldis and a...tenuous attachment to Chad that was dependent on how much of a mess he was creating. Chad, unfortunately, was trouble and most people knew it. Hell, the one thing they haven’t mentioned today is that Chad was the reason why the job went bust. And maybe Chad’s tired of being the liability.

“I see you’ve figured it out,” Chad spits out, his eyes firmly on Jared. “Peterson knew damn well that it’d be you or Chris that killed him. He gave Danneel two names and told her they'd probably the ones responsible for his death. Apparently Padalecki was a ‘damn punk thought he was too good for the life’ and Kane was ‘always ready to stick a knife in someone's back’ - hell, he was right on both counts.”

“Except that neither of them killed Peterson, I did,” Katie insists. “And--”

“Shut up,” Chad interrupts, with an eerie coldness coloring his voice. “You’re not any better - running to tell Chris shit, knowing fully well that he’d use it somehow.”

Jared shares a bewildered look with Aldis.

“I’ve been working with Danneel for months,” Chad explains. “She was the only one who saw my full potential, you see. I wasn’t Clumsy Chad or the guy that nobody wanted to work with when I was with her.”

“No, you were just a lying sack of shit,” Katie replies, suddenly launching herself towards Chad. Not for the first time, Jared wonders what the hell Lindberg needs with a truck that has back and front facing seats. He moves to pull Katie away from Chad, while Aldis pushes Chad back. They don’t know what he’s capable of right now.

“What does Danneel want?” Jared asks Chad. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Lindberg fiddling with a device and he hopes to hell that he’s signaling for help somehow. Perhaps there are some non-corrupt cops working today. “Why did she do all of this, bring me back to New York?”

Chad’s smirk is ugly and bitter. “You were supposed to come back and kill Chris and either end up in jail or dead. That was the plan. She hasn’t decided if she’ll let Jensen live or not. Killing you would be too easy and jail...well, I imagine you would have much more fun there with the guilt of Jensen’s death keeping you company.”

Before Jared can reply, the vehicle comes to a halt.

“Not to break up your awesome story, but we’re here,” Lindberg announces. “So, Chad, are you going to let us walk into the building or are you going to wave around a weapon of some sorts and tell us what to do?”

Chad is still smiling. “I’m not. But _she_ is.” They all turn to see Danneel standing outside the derelict building, hands in her jacket pocket casually as if she’s not the scheming daughter of a long gone criminal mastermind.

Jared sighs to himself. It’s going to be a _long_ night.

~

Life can change in the blink of an eye.

It’s a phrase that Jared’s never really cared for given that there were so many instances where all he’d done was flutter his eyelids in vain, desperately pleading for some unknown entity to help him. Yet, when his eyes opened he was faced with the same mundane existence he was trying to escape. Tellingly, he wishes that was happening now instead of the hectic chain of events he finds himself in the middle of.

He wishes that he wasn’t watching Danneel hold a gun to Jensen’s head. He wishes that the stench of Chad’s blood wasn’t permeating in his nostrils, wishes that he’d never treated Chad like the liability that he was. Perhaps his friend would be alive and not so cruelly betrayed by someone he should never have trusted.

A quick glance around the room takes him to where Aldis, Lindberg and Katie are huddled. Katie’s face is streaked with tears, Aldis is stony faced and Lindberg appears to be terrified.

A blink of an eye.

Replaying it in his mind seems to take longer that what happened. Chad had helped Danneel frogmarch them into the building, where it took a few minutes to locate the dusty, smoked out room where Jensen was being held, bound to a chair as Chris circled around him impatiently, like a shark rounding on its prey. Chad was rambling a mile a minute as they were faced with the situation and Jared remembers sharing a grim look with Aldis. How many times had they been here before? How many times did they tell Chad that sometimes it paid to just shut the fuck up, no matter how much he needed to say?

That he never heeded their advice meant that when Danneel realised he’d revealed some of her actions she wasted no time depositing a bullet into him. And she really was her father’s daughter because it was over with a single clean shot.

The next look he and Aldis shared was sombre. Katie let out a harrowing cry and Lindberg turned a sickly shade of white. Jensen’s reaction was muted but Jared could see the horror in his eyes. Selfishly, that was the worst part. Jared’s seen this kind of shit before, same with Aldis and Katie. That Jensen ended up being anywhere near this is something that won’t ever stop being a problem.

Several ticks on Jared’s long list of failures.

So maybe that’s why he finds himself in this predicament.

After Chad’s death, Danneel used the distraction to turn on Chris (whose goons were apparently on _her_ side all along) and now he’s in a kneeling position with his hands tied behind his back. The contrast between him and Jensen is stark enough that it’s almost amusing, in a really sick kind of way. Jensen’s pale and shaking slightly whereas Chris looks as smug as he ever did. Danneel might have tricked and deceived him for five years, but ultimately, Chris started this entire downward spiral when he tried to _frame_ Jared. Putting a bullet in his head seems like a natural conclusion, and that’s all Danneel claims to want. All he has to do is shoot Chris and she’ll let Jensen go. Simple.

“Take the gun,” she says coldly after he takes a step back and shakes his head. “And kill him. Come on, you’ve spoken about it enough times. Getting revenge! This is what you wanted, right?”

Jared shakes his head again, hard enough that the ground seems to tilt slightly. “Not like this. I’m not you. I’m not Chris. I’m not a killer.”

There’s a splash in the distance and Jared’s momentarily distracted by the puddle beneath the damaged roof. Has it always been that way? Maybe since the fire. The one that Chris tried to send his friends to.

“Let us walk away and we won’t tell anyone what you’ve done,” Jared says. Perhaps he can reason with her. Wanting to leave this mess behind isn’t worth over. Not really. “And we won’t ask about Chris if we don’t see him again.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I didn’t _kill_ Peterson--say what you want about me but I don’t deserve this.” Chris finally breaks, and Jared feels something lodged in his throat when he realises that implications of his words.

“It’s on tape you asshole, you shot him,” Danneel spits out. “You and Jared are the reason he’s dead. Undermining him the way you did!” Jared glances at Katie who seems to be in shock. He avoids looking over at Chad’s still body, knows that his slack mouth and wide eyes would completely destroy his resolve. That he took Katie’s secret to the grave makes his sadness grow even more.

Chris laughs bitterly. “Yeah, I shot him. I found him lying in the middle of a park with his cold dick hanging out for the whole world to see. This was after a complaint from another girl. And she was one of the lucky ones - I never saw her again. But your father was no saint, Danneel. He was a fucking scumbag. You should be grateful that I gave him some of his dignity back in the end.”

“Chris…” Jensen speaks up then, his voice scratchy and hoarse. “Don’t.” That Jensen still cares about what may or may not happen to Chris isn’t surprising, but it annoys Jared immensely nonetheless. He gives Jensen a warning look before he turns back to Chris, who doesn’t seem deterred. However, Jared can admit that he wasn’t expecting Chris to keep Katie’s name out of it. Perhaps there’s a heart in there somewhere after all.

“No, she wants to kill all of us in the name of her perverted father, she might as well know the truth. Hell, you can ask, Jared - he knows.”

Jared doesn’t _know_ but Peterson was notorious for putting his hands where they don’t belong. He was also downright unstable and after seeing the same kind of behavioral signs at home for so long he knew that he had to get out. Sometimes leaving the path of someone else’s destruction was all one could do. It would just be one more thing to feel guilty about.

“You’re lying,” Danneel retorts, although Jared notes that there’s less conviction in her voice this time. For the first time, she seems unsure, as if she can see her ridiculous plan crumbling around her. She lowers the second gun and glances around the room. “And even if you’re not, he’s still _dead_. Someone has to answer.”

Chris motions towards where Chad lies, a harrowing reminder of how pointless this has all been. “Looks like you’ve already found somebody. Just accept that you’re in way over your head.”

“He’s right,” Jared adds quickly, recognising that this is the time to pounce on her. Especially because she’s still pointing her gun directly at Jensen. “The real killer is in the wind. Hell, you got me back for daring to try and leave. I believed you for _years_. You got me!”

Danneel starts to laugh; a full on belly laugh, with her shoulders heaving erratically. Jared stares at her bewilderedly for a moment and hopes that the gun’s safety is still on.

“I can’t believe this. Chris, you’ve spent the last five years desperately seeking revenge on Jared for testifying against him, and Jared, he confined you to exile for _ten years_. At least one of you should appreciate what I’m doing here.”

She has a point, but given that she’s been so intricately involved, Jared’s not sure about anything anymore.

“On a good day I would be,” Chris says. “But you know what? I know when to quit. I know when I’m done. You _impersonated_ a federal agent. You think that kind of shit goes unnoticed? Killing Padalecki doesn’t do me any good now. The street operation’s dead - your father’s legacy is _dead_ and call me a quitter but I’m _tired_.”

He turns to Jared and continues, “We’ve been playing this game of cat and mouse for ten years, Jared. And maybe it’s my fault--”

Jared frowns. “There is no _maybe_. You know exactly what you did.” It hits him then that it must have been Chad who sent him the first partial copy of the video. Huh. The pit in his stomach grows further. This is one huge mess and when it comes down to it all they’ve achieved is wasted time.

“Fine, whatever, but while we were waiting for the party to start, I realised that I didn’t want any more blood on my hands. Call it my ‘Come to Jesus’ moment, but what good would killing you do? The video could leak out - and then I’d have more questions to answer. There’d always be more questions, another punk kid who thought he knew better. ‘Cause life isn’t an equation that you can just erase.”

Jared suspects that Jensen’s got a hand in Chris sudden change of heart, but he says nothing. If their tentative truce can keep Danneel from making anymore kneejerk decisions he’s all for it.

“I’ve only ever been interested in keeping my friends safe, so if you wanted to hurt me, Danneel, you’ve succeeded. Chad is proof of that. So please just put an end to this madness. Put the gun down and leave Jensen out of this.”

There’s a cruel twist of lips and Danneel’s arm starts to move but Jared will never know what her intent was because there’s a loud shout and a group of people storm the damaged warehouse, yelling out various things, FBI, NYPD - untrustworthy acronyms that have now come to mean nothing to him. All Jared can register is that he has to get down on the ground and put his hands up so he does it. Danneel takes a bullet to the arm and drops to the floor with a muted cry of pain.

“Next time you want to leave town, give me a heads up, would ya?” Jared looks up at the sound of the distinct voice and recognises - Deputy U.S. Marshall Sandy McCoy, who’d been in charge of his time in the program in California. That he never thought to call her will haunt him later but he’s just glad to see her now.

“How bad is it?” he asks. “How much trouble am I in?” She pulls a face but doesn’t answer and the last thing he sees before they drag him away is a question in Jensen’s eyes that he knows he can’t answer.

~

Danneel is arrested and charged for impersonating a federal officer and first degree murder, Chris for corruption. They interrogate Jared and put him through the usual charade - poor air quality, a pathetic amount of water and a tedious bad-cop, good-cop routine but let him go after Sandy intervenes. It turns out that being hoodwinked by a fake FBI agent, isn’t a crime - just stupid. Aldis and Katie are nowhere to be seen when he leaves the station but Lindberg is hanging around outside. He’s leaning beside his truck with a blank look on his face. Jared wonders where Jensen is, even though he can’t face him now. Not today.

Maybe not ever.

“You handled yourself well in there,” is all Lindberg says. There’s no wise crack, no insult, no judgement - just that simple statement.

“Didn’t do Chad much good,” he mumbles. “Everything I did was to protect them and for what? For Chris to have his kumbaya moment _after_ Chad bleeds out on the floor. I...shouldn’t have come back. Shouldn’t have listened to Danneel.” A couple of uniformed officers walk by and throw Jared some accusing looks but he ignores them.

Lindberg scratches the back of his neck and sighs. “Chad’s death isn’t your fault. Admittedly, you did a bunch of stupid things - but you just got caught up in the middle of a shitstorm. Chad was on some kind of insane power trip - and in cahoots with someone on an even bigger power trip than he was. He did it to himself. That’s not what’s important. We went there to save Jensen, and you could have gotten selfish and shot Chris but you didn’t.”

Jared scoffs. “What difference does it make?”

“You finally proved something to yourself,” Lindberg replies. “You’re not a killer. Being framed is one thing, but having the opportunity to get back at the person who’s destroyed your life and not taking it takes some strong stuff. And I know that you wanted to do it. We all did. But...and it’s taken me a little while to see this - you’re not a bad person. So, yeah. I’m going to go home and pretend that none of this happened. Which is kind of hard when Jensen is my court appointed psychologist, but whatever. There’s nothing that seventeen hours of Amish-themed porn can’t fix.”

Jared laughs despite himself. He feels guilty afterward, but the small trickle of amusement lessens the pressure in his chest somewhat.

When they part ways, there’s no malice between them, just a new connection forged from the drama of the previous night.

~

There’s question after question before _freedom_ \- finally. Jensen takes a large breath of air when he steps out of the police department. He rubs at his wrists idly, not really feeling the sting of the red marks there. The medical examiner says it should take a few days to heal but she doesn’t say anything about the emotional scars. Chad is _dead_. Jensen saw it happen and they just sent him on his way with a vague threat about what would happen if he left town.

He snorts to himself. Bureaucracy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

“Jensen? Are you alright?” Aldis emerges from somewhere and Jensen feels bad for not wanting to be anywhere near him - or any of them. It’s a natural reaction, wanting to shield himself, but he knows that it won’t do any good. It won’t change what happened.

“Yeah...I think so,” he says. “Where’s Jared?” Well. There are some things he can’t help. Like his need to know where Jared is. It’s really difficult to process the fact that Jared’s been back for a few _days_ and he knows that he’s going to lose him again. He can feel it in his heart - doesn’t know how he’s going to fix it, but he knows that he’s going to exhaust himself attempting to do so.

Aldis grimaces. “Look, I...I don’t know what’s happening with you two but you know that he’d do anything for you.”

“Like not killing Chris?”

“No, he did that because he’s not that kind of guy,” Aldis says. “And if you want things to work out between the two of you I suggest that you drop the sentimental ‘ _I know you’re better than this_ ’ bullshit. It just puts him under pressure and then he runs away because he doesn’t think he can live up to your standards.”

“Maybe I don’t want things to work out.” Jensen can’t help feeling a little petulant that Aldis’ concern for him is fleeting.

“Right,” Aldis deadpans. “You didn’t just spend the last ten years pining away after him.”

Jensen frowns. “Fair enough, but say I do want to work things out - there’s nothing wrong with telling someone they they can achieve more. Life is about freeing yourself of any limitations.”

Aldis waves a hand dismissively. “Spare me the psycho-babble. If there’s anything I learned from Chad, it’s that sometimes you have to accept people as they are.” Jensen doesn’t really understand the reference to Chad but he sees what Aldis is saying. He vows to take it on board. Just not now. Not when fatigue resides in every inch of his body.

“There’s a cab outside. It’ll drop you off at your place.”

With that said, Aldis departs much like the way he arrived, quietly and without fanfare.

~

Katie’s waiting by his door and Jensen bites back a groan. Ten years of nothing from Jared’s friends and now he can’t seem to get away from them. Well, except….fuck, Chad is _dead_. It’s obvious from what transpired that Chad had done something - he was surprised to see Chad bragging and boasting about his involvement in Danneel’s plan but there are some blanks. When he spoke with Chad last, the man had been sympathetic regarding Jared. It seems inconceivable that he’d go against him.

“It wasn’t about Jared,” Katie explains when Jensen puts this to her. She seemed like she’d needed to talk, so he’d initiated the conversation. That she was the one who killed Peterson is a surprise but given what Chris said during the warehouse situation, he’s assuming that she didn’t have a choice. “I think he was genuinely moved by the sacrifice that Jared made, but he just never got over the fact that he was _Chad_. He wanted us to have the same level of confidence we have in Jared in him and it just spiralled out of his control.” Based on what Jensen knows, Katie is being generous but bearing in mind that Chad deceived her for so long, he can’t blame her.

“Did Jared send you here?” he asks. Perhaps it’s his masochistic emotions toying with him but...why else would Katie be waiting for him just as he arrived back.

She fiddles with her hair nervously. “He said that talking to you would help. And that I should keep an eye on you. I’m sure he’ll be along to see you himself. I just, didn’t want to say no when he asked if I could, you know? I caused all of this indirectly. I...thought for sure that he would never speak to me again.”

Jensen’s first thought is that there’s still time for Jared to truly come to terms with what happened and decide not to speak to her but saying it aloud would be cruel so he refrains.

~

Four weeks pass before Jensen sees Jared again, and he feels each day like a punch to the gut. It’s funny when he thinks about how short the time period is compared to when he was missing, but it’s how he feels. In that time, Aldis and Katie check in on him. Even Lindberg shows up and sheepishly informs him that Jared’s not a bad guy after all. The final straw comes the day after Jared’s mom stops by with cooked dishes and warm platitudes. It could be that he received a call from Chris, but he just feels an abundance of annoyance over what he perceives is _hiding_. Jared doesn’t need to hide from him and the fact that he’s been absent since Jensen had gun to his head is a bitter pill to swallow. So on one particular afternoon, after pacing around frantically, he grabs his jacket and is practically out of his door when he realises that Jared’s standing there.

“I’m sorry,” he says and Jensen kind of wants to slam the door in his face. He doesn’t though, because he would just open it again instantly anyway. “I know that you’re probably angry with me. I had to go back to California for a couple of weeks. The upside is that I am officially Jared Padalecki again, and I have some legitimately rich friends who want me to keep in touch.”

“What?” Jensen’s tone is snappish, but the reminder that Jared has (or had) this whole other life that he knows little about stings somewhat.

“Marshall’s kids,” Jared explains. “Nevermind. It was a stupid thing to say. And not an excuse for not coming to see you before now. I just--”

“Panicked?” Jensen interrupts. “Nothing ever changes with you, does it?” It sounds worse than Jensen means it to be, but he appreciates the realisation. It’s what Aldis was saying. This is Jared. He’s got an overly protective streak and he’s far too self-conscious. Too self-deprecating. He’s not the man Jensen knows he could be but that’s okay. That’s what Jensen’s here for.

“Can we take this conversation inside?” Jared asks with a cursory glance around. “You can psychoanalyse me all you want, just...not on the landing.”

Jensen lets him in, directing him the couch before he discards his jacket and goes to make some coffee. This is the first time Jared’s been to his place and he just...needs a minute.

“I look ridiculous in this picture,” Jared informs him when Jensen emerges with two steaming cups of coffee. There are three different pictures of him on Jensen’s mantel. Chris always claimed it was weird, but Jensen knows better than to give that opinion any additional weight. “I can’t believe that you still have pictures of me up. I wouldn’t...I don’t think I’d be able to handle that.”

Sometimes Jensen can’t help reading between the lines.

“Are you saying that I overwhelm you?”

Jared becomes flustered. “Yes. No. I don’t know. Maybe? It’s just, first we have to talk about what happened. I’m going to say that I feel guilty and you’ll tell me that it isn’t my fault. I’m going to feel like I’m no good for you because I almost got you _killed_ and you’ll tell me that it isn’t my fault. And then we’re always going to have ten years hanging over us. You’ve kept the memory of me going for so long that I’m not sure that I can live up to it. I feel like I'm always going to be that kid you tried so hard to fix. And I’m not. I’m a completely different person.”

“I _know_ that,” Jensen shoots back. “Fuck, you’ve barely been back in New York for a month. Things aren’t going to snap back into any semblance of normal anytime soon.”

“I don’t think you do, Jensen,” Jared replies. He says it with so much emotion that Jensen has to stop and think about it. They’ve always had this ongoing battle of _you say I’m this, I say you’re wrong_ , and while Jensen is only trying to help, he sees enough instances of this in his job to know that he’s not blameless. Whether it’s a pushy friend, spouse or parent - sometimes wanting great things for someone can be detrimental.

“So where does that leave us?” he asks, sensing that this particular topic won’t be resolved today.

“I forgave my mom,” Jared replies somewhat randomly. “I mean, kind of. I told her not to give up on me. That I might not be able to face her some days but I’d work on it. I don’t want to end up like Danneel - a victim of the messed up shit a parent has put me through. For the sake of my sanity, I have to let it go.

“And that means letting go of the past ten years and just starting over. I want to figure out who I am. What I could be. I don’t know anything about having a functional relationship and I don’t think I’m ever going to be a conventional boyfriend but I do know that when I left, I took you with me. You were always in my heart or whatever. Call it love, friendship, whatever you like. I always regret that I said what I said when you told me you loved me, but I was scared.”

There’s a pause and Jensen waits but no more words come. Jared’s looking down at the ground and poking a loose thread in the carpet his foot. Jensen walks over to him, catching sight of the framed photograph he has of the both of them.

“Are you asking me not to give up on you?”

Jared shrugs awkwardly and Jensen knows that the answer is yes. He grabs Jared’s arms and maneuvers them so that they’re both facing each other. He waits until Jared looks up at him. There is uncertainty and nervousness in his eyes and all Jensen wants to do is reassure him.

“The one thing that I have never done is give up on you,” he says softly. “I’m not about to start now. You’re stuck with me.”

“Even after everything that happened?” Jared asks. “It has to be hard for you. I mean, I know that I’m not the only one with problems - what Chris and Danneel did must have had an impact. Or are you doing that thing where you don’t think about it?”

The funny thing is that it hasn’t, at least not yet. He’s been so focused on Jared that every time it creeps into his mind, he pushes it down and resolves to deal with it later.

Huh. Exactly as Jared described.

“You and I can talk about it later,” he says, knowing that he’s giving Jared permission to get him to deal with what happened at some point in the near future. “For now, I just want to be with you without any outside interference. Think we can manage that?”

Jared smiles at him, eyes suddenly brighter than they were moments ago. “No harm in trying, right?”

There are no sparks or earth shattering fireworks when Jared’s lips touch his, but the fire in his chest is enough to reignite a part of him that’s been dormant for what seems like forever. The emptiness that always seemed to reside in his heart is lifting and happiness creeps in.

Slowly but surely.

Things won’t be easy but all that matters is that Jensen’s finally got his boy back.

**Fin.**


End file.
